How to Write the Perfect Mary Sue...Lord of the Rings Style
Oh come on, you know you want to. EVERYBODY wants to. Everybody at one time or another wants to write a Mary Sue. I mean, what good is writing fan fiction if you can’t throw yourself in the story and make it with your favorite guy? Or elf? Or hobbit? Or, God forbid, dwarf?
But perhaps you’re a little scared to write a Mary Sue because everyone’s so down on them all the time. Or perhaps you’re worried that you won’t do it right and that you’ll embarrass yourself.
Well, I am here to tell you to stop being afraid and to embrace your inner Sue! Write the romance of the century and put yourself in it as the main female character! Go ahead! And not only do I encourage you to do it, but I am going to give you a couple of tips and pointers that will ensure that your Mary Sue is a success.
Ready???
Let’s begin.
1. PLOT - First things first. If you’re going to write a story you need a plot. Fortunately for Mary Sue type stories, there are only so many to choose from. I have listed them below.
And let us always remember that whenever I say original female character - I mean you.
A. One of the members of the fellowship mysteriously appears in today’s world. There he meets the original female character. She rescues him from the cold, cruel world (ie. jail, hospital or mental institution) and then teaches him all about it. They fall in love. They live happily ever after.
B. The original female character is magically transported into Middle Earth and runs into the fellowship (or just a single member of the fellowship if you so desire). Her destiny is then inextricably intertwined with theirs. She is taught all about this new world. She falls in love with one of the Nine. They live happily ever after.
C. The original female character lives in Middle Earth. She joins the fellowship and becomes the 10th member. She saves one of the members. He saves her. They fall in love. They live happily ever after.
D. The original female character lives in Middle Earth. She does not join the fellowship but they do meet her on their journey. She saves one of the members. He saves her. They fall in love. They live happily ever after.
E. The original female character lives in Middle Earth. She is a life-long friend of one of the members of the fellowship. They find each other after a long time apart. They fall in love. They live happily ever after.
D. The original female character is the sister, daughter, niece, second cousin twice removed, or pool girl of one of the members of the fellowship. She finds herself attracted to one of the members, and he to her, although it all seems a little incestuous somehow. They fall in love. They live happily ever after.
E. The original female character hates one of the members of the fellowship but eventually grows to love him. This plot is made even better if the object of her initial hatred hates her right back. But in the end they...you guessed...fall in love. They live happily ever after.
F. The original female character is the daughter of someone really evil and despicable. Saruman is good. Sauron is even better. EVEN better than that...make her an orc. If you can make that work, you deserve a Pulitzer-prize. You also get bonus points if the original female character is supposed to assassinate one the members of the fellowship.
*Please keep in mind that any of these plots will be greatly enhanced if the two that fall in love are of different species. Therefore if your original female character is a human, have her fall in love with an elf. Or hobbit. Or God forbid, dwarf.
2. The Heroine - Now that you have a plot you have to create your original female character, aka your heroine. The wonderful thing about writing in a fandom vs. writing original fiction is that most of the characters are all ready created for you. Less muss, less fuss! Therefore all you really have to worry about is yourself...ahem...the heroine.
A. She has to be beautiful. Ah hell, forget that, she’s gotta be drop dead gorgeous. Men see her and they swoon. Birds and butterflies flock to her loveliness. Elves write songs and poetry about her. Get the picture?
*Keep in mind that when you are describing her, you must spend an inordinate amount of time talking about her hair, her eyes, her skin, and her voice.
B. Whether she is a fearless warrior or a damsel in distress, your original female character MUST be feisty. There is no way around this. She must be feisty, spirited and strong-willed. Much like a horse. She should also be smart and clever and kind. Ok, basically she should have as many wonderful attributes and personality traits as you can cram into a story. If you want to give her a negative personality trait to make her more believable, that’s fine too, just make sure it’s something that is not permanent and will go away when she discovers love.
C. Your original female character needs a name. But no normal name will suffice. This name must be as beautiful, exotic and bold as the woman who wears it. If your character lives in today’s world, I suggest names like, Savannah, Siobhan, Analise, Afton, Mercedes, Merissa, etc. I think you get my drift. Also please feel free to use precious stones and gems for names. Diamond, Sapphire, Emerald, Ruby, Topaz and Amethyst will all work just fine. Just, for the love of God, whatever you do, DON’T use a boring run-of-the-mill name like Amy or Susan or Nancy. It doesn’t matter if real people have these names - your perfect, beautiful Mary Sue doesn’t.
Now if your character is an elf, a hobbit, a human of Middle Earth, or God forbid, a dwarf, your naming options will be completely different. These names must sound, literally, out of this world. I suggest using a lot of vowels and a lot of soft consanants like l’s and s’s. Stay away from too many harsh consanants like r’s and t’s. Using this naming convention you will get names like Elunianese, Namaallue, and Alliessaya. See what I mean? Beautiful, mysterious and almost completely unpronounceable. Perfect!
Now you have a plot and an original female character. You are now ready to write your masterpiece. Just remember that your reading audience is really looking forward to seeing your characters get together, almost as much as you are. So by all means give them something to enjoy. But try to drag out the inevitable smooching fest for as long as possible...that builds up dramatic tension. Then when it’s time for the love rockets to explode...go hog wild! Let the love juices flow. Please feel free to use words like love-pump, bulging manhood and hot love cave as often as possible. And no matter what happens in the story, do not mention birth control! This is a sure fire way to ruin the mood for everyone involved.
And there you have it! You now have all the tools you need to create your very own Mary Sue. Now get out there and write that romance!!
For the love of Legolas...go!