Nine Months of Trouble (Part 7)
Three hours later. The doctor returns.
Doctor (incredibly perky): Hey boys! How are we all doing?
Joey: I don’t think they’re gonna make it doc.
Doctor: Oh, what’s the matter?
Joey: JC keeps throwing up, Lance is hallucinating, Justin is sobbing hysterically and Chris has mentally regressed to being five years old.
Doctor: Oh for crying out loud! What a bunch of wusses!
Wade: That’s what I keep saying!
Doctor: Ok, let’s do another check then, see how you all are progressing…
Doctor walks over to Lance and examines him.
Doctor: Congratulations Lance. You are dilated to 5 centimeters. You get to have the epidural now!
Lance (to doctor): Did I ever tell you about the time that I sailed on the Titanic…?
The doctor ignores the comment and walks over to Justin to examine him.
Doctor: Justin, you’re at just under 5 centimeters, so we’ll go ahead and give you your epidural too.
Wade: He doesn’t need an epidural. He can handle the pain without it.
Justin (sobbing): Speak for yourself you sadistic freak!
Wade: Wuss.
The doctor walks over to Chris who is sucking his thumb and examines him.
Doctor: Chris, you’re at exactly 5 centimeters. You get the epidural too.
Chris (to Sister Mary Catherine): Who was that nice lady, Miss Penguin?
Sister: That was your doctor Chris. She’s going to give you something that’s going to make you feel all better.
Chris: If I don’t cry, do I get a sucker? I like lollipops.
Sister Mary Catherine rolls her eyes and prays to God for strength.
The doctor walks over to JC and examines him.
Doctor: Oh, JC. Looks like you’re still stuck at 3 centimeters. I’m sorry but I can’t give you the epidural yet.
JC: What!? Why the hell not! Why do they get it and not me?! It’s not fair!!!!
Doctor: I’m sorry JC, but that’s just the way it is. In fact because you’re progressing so slowly, I’m going to have to give you some Pitocin to help your labor along.
Joey (worriedly): What’s Pitocen doc?
Doctor: Well, it’s a drug that will make the contractions stronger, thereby causing the anal passage to open up quicker and help the labor progress.
JC: Wait a minute, let me get this straight. Everyone else gets something that’s going to take all their pain away and I get something that’s going to give me more pain?
Doctor: Sorry JC. Them’s the breaks.
JC: Why me, Lord? Why me?
Sister: God works in mysterious ways, Joshua.
JC: Joey, pass the bucket, I gotta puke.
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An hour and a half later…Chris, Justin and Lance are now happily feeling no pain. In fact, due to the epidural they can’t feel anything below their waist. They are as happy as clams. JC, on the other hand, is not so happy.
Joey: Would you like a nice backrub JC?
JC: No, I don’t want a backrub!
Joey: Would you like some more ice chips? They’re so yummy. Look. Yummmm….
JC: No, I don’t want any fucking ice chips!
Joey: I know what you need. You need to do some nice breathing exercises…
JC: I don’t want to breathe! I don’t want to eat ice chips and I don’t want a backrub! What I want is to have these babies out of me so that this horrible pain will stop!
Justin is blissfully unaware of JC’s ranting as he looks at the monitor that measures the strength of his contractions.
Justin: Wade look! I just had a huge contraction and I didn’t even feel it!
JC (struggling to get up from the bed): That’s it, I’m going to kill happy boy.
Suddenly JC grabs a hold of Joey’s shirt as a particularly painful contraction hits.
JC: OWWWWWW! You did this to me, you bastard!
Joey tries to disentangle himself from JC’s grip of steel.
Joey: Actually JC, no I didn’t.
JC: Yes you did!
Joey: No, JC I didn’t. Really. I would have remembered that.
JC: Fine you didn’t, but since the person who did it isn’t here, you have to suffer!
Joey: JC, that’s not fair. Now let…JC! Let go of my hand JC! JC! You’re crushing all the bones in my hand JC!
Chris: He’s much stronger than he looks, isn’t he?
Joey: Will somebody get him off of me?! HELP!!!
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Thirty minutes later…the doctor returns…
Doctor: JC, I’ve come to check you out again.
JC (panting through the pain): Doc…doc…listen. I’m a rich man. I can…give you…enough money so that you’d…never have to…work…again…
Doctor: What are you saying JC?
Joey: I think he’s saying that he’ll give you mucho dinero if you give him the epidural now. Whether he needs it or not.
JC: Yeah, that’s it.
Doctor: Do I look like someone who would take a bribe?
JC (meekly): Ummm…yes?
Doctor: Well, you’re right. But I don’t need the money. After this, I’m gonna be richer than sin. So let’s just check you out, shall we?
JC: I guess.
The doctor examines JC.
Doctor: JC, guess what?
JC: I have to suffer for another three hours?
Doctor: No, you get your epidural now!
JC passes out from the sheer joy of it all.
Doctor: Oh good. That will make this so much easier.
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Two hours later…JC has persuaded Joey to find him a notebook and a pen.
Justin: JC, what are you writing over there? A new song?
JC: Yes, I’m writing a song about the greatness of epidurals. It’s going to be a beautiful ballad.
Justin: That’s nice. Hey Wade, would you like to write a song with me about the joys of giving birth?
Wade: I’d rather sit naked in a pool full of piranhas.
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An hour later…
Everyone in the room: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ…
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Two hours later. The doctor comes back in.
Doctor: Hey guys. Just coming to check on my favorite patients!
Chris: Hey doc. Hey listen, we were wondering if you could give us some more of that medication. It’s starting to wear off and we’re all feeling a little bit of pain again.
Doctor: Well, let me check you guys out first. Then we’ll see. I’ll start with you Chris.
The doctor walks over to Chris and examines him.
Doctor: Holy moly! Chris, you’re almost all the way dilated!
Chris (panicking): What does that mean?
Doctor: That means you’re going to have the baby soon!
Chris (still panicking): What? No! I’m not ready! I’m not ready!
Sister: Calm down, Chris. Just use the techniques we learned in class and you’ll be fine.
Chris (full-blown panic): Class? There was a class? I don’t remember a class!
Sister (rolls her eyes): Fine then. Would you like to pray?
Chris (clutching at Sister Mary Catherine’s rosary beads): Praying’s good. Praying’s very good. Our Father who art in heaven…
Doctor: I’ll have someone wheel you to the delivery room in a minute. Oh and…no more drugs for you. Epidurals inhibit pushing.
The doctor turns to the others. They’re all watching Chris with wide eyes, stunned beyond belief that this is actually happening.
Doctor: I’ll examine you next Justin.
Justin: Ok.
The doctor examines Justin.
Doctor: Holy crap! Boy, you’re about to have this baby at any second!
Justin: WHAT?
Doctor (running to the door): Don’t push until I tell you! (Opens the door and yells): I got a pregnant person who’s about to pop in here! Get me a frickin’ gurney!
Wade (dreamily to Justin): She’s so masterful. Is your doctor single?
Justin doesn’t answer. He’s in shock.
Doctor: Ok. Let’s see. Let me check you next Lance.
Lance: Oh, that’s ok. You don’t have to. I don’t want to know.
Doctor examines him anyway.
Doctor: Holy mackerel! You’re almost fully dilated too!
Mandi: We’re going to have a baby! We’re going to have a baby!
Lance: WE? This thing is coming out of MY body, not yours! Don’t give me this we crap!
Mandi (laughs): Oh Lance, you’re so funny.
The doctor moves to JC next. As she’s examining him, Justin gets taken away by two orderlies. Wade is right behind him, ordering Justin not to push or he’ll kick his ass.
Doctor: Well JC, you’re not quite there yet, so you get to stay here for awhile longer.
Joey (shocked): Doctor! You know what happens when you separate Nsync. It’s not pretty.
Doctor: How could I possibly forget? Ok, JC you can come to the delivery room too. Just try to stay out of trouble until it’s your turn.
JC: Can do, doc. I’ll just finish working on my soon-to-be Grammy award winning song.
Doctor: Whatever.
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The delivery room. All the boys are now in it along with the coaches. The long, long, long awaited moment is here. Well, not quite.
The doctor is with Justin who is apparently ready to pop.
Doctor: Dang Justin, I don’t even have time to give you the episiotomy. I’m sorry.
Justin (panting): I don’t see that as a bad thing doc.
Doctor: I just hope you don’t tear.
Justin: Did you HAVE to say that?
Doctor: Ok Justin. When I tell you to…start to push.
Justin: What? What do I push? How do I push? What do I do?
Doctor: Just pretend like you have to go number two. And then push…really hard.
Wade: That is so nasty. Can’t you use a better analogy?
The doctor gives Wade a dirty look. Wade just smiles dreamily at her.
Doctor: Ready, Justin?
Justin: No.
Doctor: Ok. And PUSH!
Justin pushes really hard, then falls back on the delivery table.
Justin: Pain! Pain!
Doctor: Ok, I think I see the head. Just one more good push ok?
Justin: Ok.
Doctor: And PUSH!!!!
Justin pushes again. The baby pops out. Justin screams like nobody’s business.
Doctor (in amazement): Wow! That was the fastest I’ve ever seen anyone get a baby out. Ever!
Justin (beaming): That’s cause I’m Justin Timberlake. I don’t do anything half-assed.
Wade: Damn Justin, you gave birth to an alien! I think you should put it back in doc.
Doctor: No Wade, I just have to clean her off. Hold on one second…there we go…and here’s your baby girl Justin.
The doctor hands over the clean baby to Justin who begins cooing immediately. He is blissfully happy.
Wade: Doc, I hate to tell you, but it don’t look no better.
Doctor (whispers to Wade): Be nice. They all look like lizards at first. (Outloud): Now while you’re busy with the baby, let’s see what’s happening down here.
The doctor proceeds to deliver the placenta, sews up the tearing and stands up.
Doc: Well, time to move on to the other three…
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Half an hour later…Justin and Wade are happily cooing over the baby while the doctor is running back and forth between the three remaining pregnant men. The coaches are coaching, the pregnant men are pushing and the screaming is at an all-time high. In fact, it sounds very much like an Nsync concert.
Mandi: Push ‘em out! Shove ‘em out! Wayyyyy out!
Lance (panting through the pain): Somebody…make…her…stop…cheering…
Mandi: Sorry. Would you like me to put the pom-poms away?
Chris: AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Doctor: Good job Chris! Let’s see one more push ok?
Chris: I don’t wanna…
Sister: Come on Chris, you can do this.
Chris: Don’t wanna! Why aren’t you listening? This hurts…AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Doctor: Come on Chris. Push with the contractions! Push!
Chris: NO! Don’t wanna! Just reach in there and take it out! Just take it out!
Sister: Chris, the sooner you do this, the sooner you can have caffeine…
Chris: Caffeine?
Sister: Lots and lots of caffeine…
Chris, motivated, sits up and starts to push again. Two minutes later…
Doctor: Congratulations Chris, your baby girl is healthy and beautiful.
Chris falls back on the table, completely exhausted.
Chris: That’s nice. Now where’s the caffeine?
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Lance: I am never having sex again! Ever!
Doctor: Yeah, yeah…that’s what they all say. Now push!
Lance pushes, screams, then falls back to the table.
Lance: I am never having sex again. I am never looking at another woman again. I will never have lustful thoughts. I am becoming a priest.
Sister: You go boy!
Mandi: But you’re not Catholic.
Lance: I don’t give a flying fu…
Sister (shocked): Lance!
Lance: Sorry…
Doctor: Ok, that’s enough chatter. I see the head. You have to push now Lance.
Lance (pushing): Never! Going! To! Have! Sex! Again!
Doctor: Oooh, here it comes!
One last push and the baby comes out, followed by Lance’s ear-piercing scream. Everyone is shocked. No one knew a bass could scream so high.
The doctor cleans the baby off and hands her to Lance.
Doctor: Here you go…a beautiful baby girl.
Lance: Awwwwww….Mandi…can we have three more just like this one?
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Forty minutes later. Justin, Lance and Chris are all happily holding their babies and cooing at them. JC is still pushing.
JC (panting with exhaustion): I can’t push any more. I give up. I’m done. Game over man. Game over.
Joey: JC, you can’t just give up.
JC: Watch me. I’m done. They can stay there for all I care. I’m done man. Game over.
Joey: JC…
JC: They can come out when they’re ready for college…
Doctor: Uh oh. I think this father may need a little help. This is taking too long.
Joey: What are you going to do, doc? Use the salad tongs?
Doctor: Don’t be silly Joey. We don’t use forceps anymore. We use vacuums now. See this little rubber thing goes on the baby’s head and then we suction it right out.
Joey: Damn that’s cool! Did you hear that JC? They’re going to help you out with a little vacuum.
JC: Whatever, just get them out please. AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Doctor: Nurse, bring the sucking, vacuum thingie!
The nurse appears out of nowhere with the vacuum thingie. She hands it over to the doctor who immediately begins to put it to use.
Nurse: JC, do you mind if I get an autograph from you? You guys are my favorite band in the whole world and you’re my absolute favorite singer ever!
Joey: Lady, now is not the time!
JC: That’s ok Joey. Anything for the fans.
The nurse gives him a piece of paper and a pen. JC hastily writes something on it.
JC: There you go. AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
The nurse smiles and looks it over.
Nurse: Hey, this isn’t your signature! All it says is ‘Please kill me.’
Doctor: Nurse! Out! You’re distracting the pregnant person.
The nurse leaves in a huff.
Nurse (muttering to herself): Jerk. I bet Howie from the Backstreet Boys would give me his autograph no matter how much pain he’s in. I think I’ll go find him.
Doctor: Ok JC. Push!
JC pushes and screams. Joey screams too, because JC has gotten ahold of his hand again and is crushing it.
Doctor: Oh JC, here’s one! A beautiful little girl!
JC (delirious): How many more to go doc?
Doctor: Just push!
JC pushes and screams. So does Joey who is losing all feeling in his hand.
Doctor: Here’s the second one!
JC: One more right? And then I can die?
Doctor: Just one more. Let’s do this. PUSH!
JC pushes and screams like a banshee. Joey is on the floor nursing his broken hand. The other guys are now watching breathlessly.
Doctor: And we’re done! The final baby! It’s over JC. It’s over. JC? JC?
JC can’t answer because he’s passed out cold. Joey is still on the floor writhing in pain. The rest of the boys have already forgotten about JC and gone back to their own babies. Wade has abandoned Justin and is giving the doctor his phone number.
All in all…a fairly normal delivery.
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A couple of hours later, the boys are resting back in their room. They are doped up on Iboprofin and happily bonding with their babies. The mothers of the babies are off smoking cigars with the other brand new mothers. Wade and the doctor are making out in the broom closet down the hall. A minute later Joey walks in with a cast on his hand. Turns out JC broke a couple of Joey’s fingers and sprained his wrist.
Joey: Hey guys, so how you all…oh my God! What the hell are you doing?
Justin: Duh Joey, we’re breastfeeding. What does it look like?
Joey: Well, can’t you guys cover that up or something?
Lance: Joey, it’s a perfectly natural thing.
Joey: Oh yeah, like men growing boobs is natural.
Lance: Joey, stop staring! What did you want?
Joey: Oh. Sorry. I just wanted to see how you guys were and how the precious bundles of joy are.
Chris (starts crying): We’re so happy. This is the most amazing moment of our lives. Right guys?
Justin, JC and Lance: Right.
Joey (mutters): Wait til the diaper changes start. (Outloud): So, have you guys decided on names for your little bundles of joy yet?
Justin: Yup. Joey, meet Laquisha Tamika Timberlake.
Joey: Wow, Justin…what a…lovely name. Very ethnic of you.
Justin: Just trying to show black pride, Joey.
Joey: But you’re not…ah, never mind. What about you Lance?
Lance: A good Southern boy always names his children after his parents. This is Diane.
Joey (wipes a tear from his eye): That’s beautiful man. What about you Chris?
Chris: We’re naming our baby Gwen Steffanie.
Joey: Oh, that’s a nice name. Hmmm…hey that reminds me - does Gwen Steffani still have that restraining order against you?
Chris: Hmmm? Oh probably. Why do you ask?
Joey: No reason. And you JC?
JC: Well Joey. This one here’s name is Mary Jane. This one’s name is Crystal. And this one’s name is China White.
Joey: Beautiful names. Just great. Well guys, I’m glad you all are ok. I gotta go.
Chris: Where are you going?
Joey: Me and the bitchy nurse have a date tonight.
JC: But Joey, she’s not very nice.
Joey: But she’s hot. And she puts out. At least that’s what I overheard in the doctor’s lounge.
Lance: But Joey, don’t you want to stay here with us and the babies?
Joey: Lemme think…crying babies or hot, sweaty sex. Ummm…see you guys tomorrow!
Justin: Bye Joey.
Joey: Bye. Oh and Lance?
Lance: Yeah?
Joey: I will get you for the Nair in my shampoo.