Nine Months of Trouble (Part 6)
A pricey restaurant in the middle of Orlando…the boys are now two weeks away from their collective due date.
Justin: Joey, this was a great idea. The five of us going out to dinner together…this is just like old times.
JC: Yeah Joey, great idea. Thanks. Will you pass the bread?
Joey: Well, I think we all needed to get out of the house for something other than gynecological appointments.
Justin dabs at a tear in the corner of his eye.
Justin: Joey, you’re so darn sweet.
Chris: Hey guys, watch this! I can balance my plate on my stomach. Watch!
Lance: You know Chris, that was funny the first time you did it, and the tenth time you did it. It was even funny the four hundredth time you did it. It’s not funny anymore.
Chris: That’s because you have no sense of humor Lance.
Lance: Oh yeah that’s it.
JC: Hey Joey, are you going to finish that strawberry shortcake?
Joey: Don’t tell me you want it? JC, you already had a huge steak for dinner, not to mention your own two desserts!
JC: And your point is?
Joey: Maybe you shouldn’t eat so much?
JC: Give me a break Joey, I’m eating for four here. Now pass over that shortcake before I’m forced to cause a scene.
A few minutes later…
JC: I don’t feel so good.
Lance: Gee, that’s a surprise. Maybe it’s the fifty pounds of food you inhaled.
JC: No, not like that. I feel…my stomach hurts, it feels strange.
Justin: Do you want me to rub your tummy? That always helps me.
JC: No, I think I’m just going to go to the bathroom. I gotta pee really bad.
JC gets up with a little help from Joey. He takes about four steps when he stops. Suddenly a huge gush of water comes pouring out from between his legs.
Chris: Oh man! What’s the matter with you? Can’t you hold it anymore? Do we have to put you in diapers now?
JC is now doubled over…
JC: No, that isn’t…I didn’t…I think my water just broke!
Joey jumps up.
Joey: What!? Your what?
Lance: Oh man, I don’t feel so good either. OWWWWW!
Joey (turning towards Lance): Oh no you don’t.
Justin: Joey! Joey! I’m all wet here! I’m all wet and I didn’t pee on myself! Joey, help!
Joey walks over to JC and helps him sit back down, then turns to Justin.
Joey: What are you saying? That your water broke too?
Justin: I think maybe…
Chris: Joey!!!! I think I’m having contractions! I’m in pain Joey!
Joey: What? No! You can’t! Your water hasn’t broken. You can’t be having contractions! And neither can you Lance!
Justin: Remember what we learned in class? A lot of times, the water doesn’t break and the doctor has to do it. Remember?
Joey: No! Maybe that’s when I went outside for a break with that cute little nurse…
Joey stares off into space as he remembers the encounter behind the hospital’s petunia bed. A pain filled yell from JC brings him back to the present.
Joey (thoughtfully): So what you’re all saying is…
Joey stands up and begins to wave his hands in the air.
Joey: OH MY GOD! THEY’RE HAVING THE BABIES! THEY’RE HAVING THE BABIES!
Everybody in the restaurant turns to stare at Joey for a brief moment, then they all return to their food and conversations. Joey then sits back down, whips a pen from out of nowhere and starts writing on a napkin in front of him.
Joey: Let’s see now…so many things to do! So many things to do! I have to call Wade. I have to call Mandi. Ooh! I hope her big game is over! I have to call Sister Mary Catherine. I have to get the overnight bags…oh wait; I can’t do that…maybe I’ll have Wade do that…
Justin taps Joey on the shoulder.
Joey: Yeah, what do you want? Can’t you see I’m busy here?
Justin: Well Joey, we were wondering if maybe you could stop making that list and take us to the hospital?
Joey: Hospital?
Chris: Yes Joey. A hospital. Where most sane people nowadays have their babies…OWWW!
Chris doubles over in pain from a contraction.
Joey: Hospital! Oh yeah, hospital. Ok, yeah good idea Justin. Everyone…to the van. Now!
Chris (trying to breathe through the pain): Can you…at least…wait…until my…contractions…stop?
Joey: Fine, fine. (Waits a second) Are you done?
Justin: Joey, you’re not being very supportive! Now be…OWWW!
Justin doubles over in pain while Chris gets up and lets out a huge breath.
Chris: Wow! That hurt!
Joey forces himself to wait until Justin’s contraction is over. Just as he’s about to tell everyone to get in the van, Lance doubles over in pain.
Lance: Ow! Ow! Ow!
Joey: Ok, I can see where this is going. I’ll go get the van and I’ll meet you guys up front. Can you handle that?
JC: Yeah, I think so.
Joey: All right. Be right back!
Joey manages to get the van and load up his four pregnant friends. He drives as fast as he can to the hospital, hoping and praying that no one has their baby on the upholstery.
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An hour later. The boys are at the hospital and are in their own big room with four beds. They are no longer wearing their clothing, but instead are wearing what the hospital likes to call ‘the really embarrassing and slightly drafty blue thingies.’
Doctor: Well boys, you all seem to be doing fine and everything is proceeding normally.
JC: That’s nice. Hey doc, when can we get something for the pain?
The doctor throws her head back and laughs. Finally, after a couple of minutes, she calms down enough to answer.
Doctor: Well, sweet-cheeks, I’m afraid you can’t get an epidural until you’re at least 5 centimeters dilated. And that ain’t happening anytime soon.
JC groans, while Justin, Chris and Lance all look a little green.
Doctor: Why don’t you guys go for a little walk around the hospital? It’s supposed to speed up labor.
JC: I don’t want to! I’m tired.
Chris (struggling to get up): Suit yourself man. If walking helps to get this baby out of my body faster, I’ll walk all friggin night. Who’s with me?
Justin and Lance: Me!
JC (sighs): I guess.
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An hour later, the boys are back in their beds after walking through the hospital.
JC: I’m kind of hungry.
Joey: JC, you only ate two hours ago!
JC: What is your point?
Joey: Fine, fine. Here you can have some ice chips.
Justin: Oooh! Ice chips! Can I have some Joey?
JC: I don’t want ice chips. I want real food.
Joey: Well, you can’t have real food JC, so quit asking.
Justin: I want ice chips, Joey!
Chris: Could you guys keep it down? Lance and I are trying to die over here.
Joey: Lance?
Lance: Don’t talk to me…I’m trying to get to my happy place.
Justin: I want ice chips Joey!
JC: Joey, I want a sandwich!
Chris: Joey, can I have a backrub?
Joey (to himself): And they say labor is painful for the ones that are pregnant.
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Two hours later. Mandi, Wade, and Sister Mary Catherine have now arrived.
Lance: Oh man! Oh man! This hurts…this hurts…
Mandi (chanting): It’s all right. It’s ok. You’re gonna breathe the pain away. Gooooooooo, Lance!
Lance: Mandi?
Mandi: What?
Lance: You’re cheering again.
Mandi: Sorry.
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Two hours later. The boys ain’t looking so good now. The continuous pain is taking its toll.
Lance: Joey? Joey, where are you?
Joey: I’m two feet away from you Lance.
Lance: Joey, come here.
Joey shrugs and then walks over to Lance.
Joey: Yeah buddy?
Lance: I just wanted you to know that if I don’t make it…
Joey: Oh for crying out loud!
Lance: No listen. If I don’t make it, I just want you to know that you’ve been a real good friend and that I love you.
Joey: Aw, Lance. Thanks. I love you too.
Lance: And I also wanted you to know that I was the one who put the Nair in your shampoo that one time.
Joey: You what?!
Lance: I just didn’t want to go to the other side without telling you man.
Joey (under his breath): I’m gonna kill him.
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An hour later.
Mandi: I’m hungry.
Sister: So am I.
Joey: Me too. I’m starving actually. I think all this excitement is making my appetite go into overdrive.
Mandi: You guys want to go get some food at the cafeteria?
JC: Food? Did someone say food?
Joey: Yeah. Let’s go. Guys, we’re going to be gone for a little while, but we’re leaving you in Wade’s capable hands.
Wade: Hey! How come I get stuck here? I’m hungry too.
Joey: Remember the pictures.
Wade: Go and have a great time. I’ll see you when you get back.
Joey, Mandi and Sister Mary Catherine walk out the door.
Chris: No wait, don’t leave us here with…
Wade turns around and gives Chris his patented death glare.
Chris: Wade, I love you man. Have I ever told you how much I admired your work in Full House?
Wade: Can it Kirkpatrick.
Chris: Ok.
Justin: Wade? Can you come over here and hold my hand and lovingly stroke my forehead during the contractions?
Wade: What?! What kind of sissy-boys are you guys? All I’ve heard from you guys is whining and complaining ever since I got here. I’m tired of it. You want help with the pain? Run around the building a couple times, that’ll take your mind off the pain.
Justin (starting to get teary-eyed): But Wade…
Wade: Oh fine, Timberlake. Fine! Anything to stop you from crying again.
Wade sits down next to Justin and holds his hand while stroking his forehead.
Wade: There. Happy now?
Justin: Wade, will you tell me a story?
Wade (to himself): I definitely should have gone to work for the Backstreet Boys.
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Four hours later. The boys are all in their respective beds, with fetal monitors around their tummies. They are all sweaty and looking decidedly un-boyband like. They are also surrounded by what appears to be dozens of people. The doctor enters the room and looks around at the mass throng of humanity.
Doctor: JOEY! JOEY, WHERE ARE YOU?
Joey pushes his way through the crowd to stand beside the doctor.
Joey: What you need doc?
Doctor: Joey, would you mind telling me why all these people are in here?
Joey: Oh sure. Well, over there is Lance. Those are his parents and his sister and her husband. The young blonde in the cheerleader uniform is Mandi; she’s the mother of the baby. She just came from a big game. Those other people are Mandi’s parents.
Doctor: Mmmhmmm…
Joey: Over there is JC and his parents…
Doctor: I thought they were Mennonite.
Joey: They came around. Then there’s his brother and sister. Over there by Chris is his mom and his four sisters. The nun standing next to him is the mother of the baby. Don’t ask. The priest is here for moral and spiritual support.
Doctor: Oookay…
Joey: Then there’s Justin with his mom and her husband. And Justin’s dad with his wife.
Doctor: Who’s the blond with the spikes?
Joey: That’s our choreographer. He’s also my official stand-in, so he has to be here just in case I get injured in some way. It’s in his contract. Plus he’s Justin’s coach.
Doctor: Ok, I think I got it so far. Who’s the sleazy looking guy with the camera?
Joey: That’s my brother Steve. He films things.
Doctor: And who’s the big camera crew over there?
Joey: Oh, I almost forgot. That’s MTV. They’re filming a new special – it’s going to be called "Behind the Scenes – the NSYNC births." Pretty catchy title huh? Of course, since Carson is in labor himself, Dave Holmes is taking over for him.
Dave Holmes: And once again, ladies and gentlemen, MTV is a part of history. Today we are going to witness the miracle of birth from a unique perspective. Not only will we be watching men giving birth, but we will be watching four fifths of the successful boy band NSYNC give birth…
JC: That’s vocal group, Dave!
Dave: Yeah, sure. Whatever gets you through the night pal.
Doctor: Ok. I think I’ve heard enough Joey.
Joey: Is something wrong, doc?
The doctor hops up on an unused exam table.
Doctor: ALL RIGHT, EVERYONE LISTEN UP! I WANT EVERYBODY OUT OF THIS HOSPITAL ROOM NOW! ANYONE WHO DOES NOT HAVE A DIRECT ROLE IN GIVING BIRTH TO THESE BABIES HAS TO GET THE HELL OUT RIGHT NOW! PARENTS, SISTERS, COUSINS, FAMILY DOGS, I DON’T CARE…GET THE FUCK OUT BEFORE I KICK YOUR ASSES OUT!
Dave Holmes (shocked): Are you kicking out MTV?
Doctor: YES, I’M KICKING OUT MTV! NOW, LET’S GO! EVERYONE MOVE! THE ONLY PEOPLE STILL ALLOWED IN THIS ROOM ARE THE PREGNANT PEOPLE AND THEIR COACHES!
Everyone starts filing out of the room, grumbling and cussing.
Wade (stares at doctor dreamily): I think I’m in love.
Doctor: Now, are any of you going to want to have an epidural for the pain?
Chris: Hell yeah!
Sister Mary Catherine stares at him.
Chris: Ooops.
Sister: That’s ok. I’ll let that one slide.
Doctor: Well, then. Let’s just check you guys out and see how you’re progressing.
The doctor does a quick pelvic exam on all four guys.
Doctor: Ok, you guys are doing great. You’re all about three centimeters dilated. I figure at this rate, you can have the epidurals in a few hours. See ya later, guys.
Lance: What?! No…you can’t leave…no!!!!!!
Chris (crying): She didn’t give us the drugs…she didn’t give us the drugs.
Joey: Come on guys, buck up! Who needs epidurals when you have ice chips!