Nine Months of Trouble (Part 5)
Author’s notes: Everything I wrote in here relating to being pregnant is true. EVERYTHING. Some things may be more exaggerated than others, but it’s all true. Scary, ain’t it?
Back in the NSYNC compound, the boys are now in their seventh month of pregnancy. They are all sitting around the living room expectantly awaiting some important visitors.
Lance: Damn, when are they going to get here? I can’t stand this suspense.
Justin: Patience Lance, patience. They’ll be here soon.
Lance: Oh, easy for you to say, Baldy. You’re not about to find out who the mother of your child is.
Justin: Joey! Did you hear what he just called me?
Joey (sighs): Lance, be nice to Justin. He’s just trying to help.
Lance: Fine, fine. I’m sorry Baldy.
Justin is about to protest again when they all hear the doorbell ring. Joey jumps up to answer it, seeing as he’s the only that’s able to do so. He opens the door to find a woman dressed in a nun’s habit.
Joey: Well hello there. You must be Sister Mary Catherine.
Sister: Yes, and you must be Joseph. You’re the good Catholic boy that didn’t get himself pregnant.
Joey (proudly): Yup, good Catholic boy - that’s me. Come on in.
Joey closes the door behind the nun as she walks in.
Joey: Guys, this is Sister Mary Catherine. Sister, this is JC, Justin, Lance and of course you remember Chris.
Justin, JC and Lance: Hi.
Chris: Ummm…hi there. I’d get up but…
Sister Mary Catherine walks over to Chris with a gleam in her eye.
Sister: Hey hot stuff.
Chris: Hey.
Sister: Listen, I just wanted to thank you for giving me the most mind-blowing sex I’ve ever had in my life that night. You were so amazing. The orgasms were so intense that I shivered for days afterwards. And your endurance was incredible. You almost made me regret becoming a nun.
The room falls silent as everyone stares at Chris as if they’d never seen him before. Chris just smiles grandly.
Sister: Now that I’ve said that, is this our baby in here?
She pats his tummy.
Chris: Yup.
Sister Mary Catherine smiles and then whips out some rosary beads.
Sister: How exciting. Now let us pray for our sin of fornication.
Chris: But…but I’m not Catholic.
Sister: It’s all the same in the eyes of God. Now grab a bead and pray.
Chris: Yes ma’am.
Just as Chris and Sister Mary Catherine are making their way through their second Hail Mary, the doorbell rings. Joey, who is suddenly having an overwhelming urge to go to confession, runs to the door and throws it open. A young woman in a red and white cheerleader outfit is standing at the threshold. As soon as she sees Joey she screams, jumps on him and clings to him like a leech.
Joey (deadpan): You must be Mandi, the DNA contest winner.
Mandi: You’re even cuter in person Joey!
Joey: Well thank you. Ummm…why don’t you come in?
Mandi jumps off of Joey and runs toward the boys.
Mandi: Oh my God. This is so freaking exciting! (Screams) Justin! I love you Justin! (Screams again) Chris! I love you Chris! (Pauses) JC, is that you?
JC: Yes, it’s me.
Mandi: Damn, pregnancy’s been a real bitch to you huh?
JC starts crying. The rest of the guys groan.
Mandi: Sensitive much?
Lance: Don’t worry about him, he does that all the time.
Mandi turns and rushes towards him, shrieking.
Mandi: Lance! Oh Lance!
Lance: Ummm…hi.
Mandi: Wow, this is so cool! I was so excited when I heard the news that I won the contest. Imagine, me, the mother of an NSYNC baby!
Lance (nervously): Yeah, that’s great. Listen, ummm…that cheerleader outfit…does that mean that you’re in high school? Does that mean that you’re underage?
Mandi: No silly. I’m in college. I’m a college cheerleader.
Lance (very relieved): Thank you Jesus!
Sister: Lance, watch your mouth!
Lance: Sorry Sister.
Mandi: Lance, I can’t wait to talk to you and get to know you, cause I gotta tell you, I was so wasted that night that I don’t remember a damn thing.
Lance: Hey me neither!
Joey rolls his eyes up at the ceiling and sighs.
Joey: I hate to interrupt these beautiful, precious moments but we have places to be people. Your ultra-sounds are today.
The boys groan while the mothers-to-be look excited.
Joey: So everyone, get your asses up and let’s get the hell out of here.
Sister: Joseph!
Joey: Sorry Sister.
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At the doctor’s office…
The whole gang is taking up the newly enlarged ultra-sound room. The boys are up on the ultra-sound tables, all of them incredibly relieved to be wearing their normal clothes and not be in the stirrups.
The female ultra-sound tech enters and looks around.
Tech: Well, this is certainly a big group.
JC: Where’s our usual doctor that takes such great pleasure in torturing us?
Tech: She’s extremely busy and she didn’t have time to come. Believe me she would have been here if she could have. She says you’re the most entertaining patients she’s ever had.
Justin: Well, isn’t that nice?
Lance: Yeah whatever. Can we get on with this? I gotta pee so bad, I think I’m gonna die.
Tech: Do you all have full bladders just as you were instructed?
JC: Yes, we’re all about to pee on the floor. Now can you please hurry and start this procedure so that I can go to the bathroom?
Tech: Fine, fine. We’ll start with you, ok?
JC: YES!
Tech: Ok, lift up your shirt and pull your pants down to your hips. Good. Now, I’m just going to tilt the table a little bit so that your head is down towards the floor…
The tech tilts the table so that JC is almost vertical, with his feet in the air and his head pointing towards the floor.
JC: AAAAHH! Somebody help me, I’m going to fall!
Tech: Just hold on now…
The tech smears clear jelly on JC’s stomach and begins to run the doohickey over it.
Tech: Almost got it…just a little more…
JC: Somebody stop this torture! I’m going to fall and I have to pee and I can’t hold it…HELP!!!!
Everyone ignores JC.
Tech: There we go…There’s your babies…three healthy girls.
JC forgets all about having to pee and about being in a position that defies gravity. He begins to cry tears of joy.
JC: Girls? I’m gonna have girls? Those are my babies right there?
Tech: Yup.
JC: That’s the most beautiful sight I’ve ever seen in my whole life
The tech tilts the table until it’s back to a normal position.
Tech: All done. That wasn’t so bad, was it?
JC is too busy crying and trying to get off the table to answer.
Justin (raises his hand): Can I ask you a question?
Tech: Sure.
Justin: Is every medical procedure associated with pregnancy an exercise in torture and humiliation?
Tech thinks for a minute.
Tech: Pretty much, yeah. Now, who’s next?
The tech repeats the procedure with all three guys. All of them start out fearing for their lives on the table and cursing the fact that they have to pee, but by the end of it, they are all crying tears of joy.
Later, after all the boys have had a chance to visit the restroom…
Chris: I can’t believe that we’re all having girls. Isn’t that the most wonderful thing?
Justin: We really DO do everything together.
Lance: That’s because we’re more than friends - we’re a family, man.
JC: I love you guys.
Chris: I love you guys too. What would I do without you?
Justin: No, what would I do without you?
JC: No, what would I do without you?
Lance: No, what would I do without you?
Justin: Group hug!
Meanwhile, Mandi, Sister Mary Catherine and Joey are standing off to the side, watching the display in varying degrees of disgust.
Mandi: Are they always like this?
Joey: Actually, they’re having one of their good days.
Sister: Lord help us all.
Joey: Amen to that Sister.
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Two days later…
The whole gang is in a huge room in the hospital. Wade is now a part of the group since Joey blackmailed him into helping out. Wade is not happy about it, but he can’t afford to have those pictures come out to the public. The room is full of pregnant men reclining on pillows against their women – or men, as the case may be.
Chris is lying against a pillow with Sister Mary Catherine supporting him.
JC is being supported by Joey, who is struggling under JC’s now considerable weight.
Wade is supporting Justin, while Mandi supports Lance.
Suddenly a familiar voice cuts through the general buzzing of the crowd.
Voice: NSYNC! It’s NSYNC!
The guys turn to see that the Backstreet Boys are approaching them. And that Howie and AJ are very pregnant.
Howie: Hi guys!
Justin: Hey, Backstreet Boys! How’s it going?
Howie: Not too bad. Not too bad. And you guys?
Lance: Pregnancy’s a bitch.
Justin: Just ignore him. He’s a bitch. We’re fine. Being pregnant has had its ups and downs, but we’re just thankful that we get to bring a new life into this world.
Howie: Wow Justin! I feel the same way!
AJ: I’m with Lance. Pregnancy’s a bitch.
Joey: You know, when I heard that two of you were pregnant, I assumed that it was you, Brian and you, Kevin.
Kevin: Why is that?
Joey: Well, because you guys are married.
Brian: Married people don’t actually have sex, Joey.
Joey: They don’t?
Nick: You know, we were surprised to hear that you didn’t get pregnant, Joey.
Joey: Oh, and why is that?
Nick: Well, because you’re a male ho, that’s why.
Joey: Why you little…somebody get JC off of me so I can go kick his ass!
Before a huge pregnant rumble can begin, the instructor comes in and tells everyone to take their places. The Backstreet Boys say their good-byes and move away.
The instructor, who is a female, looks very amused.
Instructor: Ok, now – just so you all know, I had a child about two years ago and it was the most joyous experience of my life. It was also the most incredibly painful and exhausting experience of my life. By the time it was over, I was begging and pleading for someone to put me out of my misery.
All the guys look somewhat queasy.
Instructor: That being said – let’s begin shall we? We’ll begin by going over some relaxation and breathing techniques that will help you to survive the horrendous pain. Ready?
After going through the techniques and answering some questions, the instructor moves back in front of the room and begins to speak again.
Instructor: Now, I’m going to show you all a movie that depicts and describes the birthing process. Keep in mind that because men have never given birth before; a lot of the things in the movie are just speculation. Also, because we’ve never had a chance to film a male giving birth, everything on the screen will be computer generated. OK! Here we go!
The movie begins. As it progresses, the guys get greener and greener.
Movie narrator: Because the anal canal is so small, small incisions will have to be made in it so that the male body can accommodate the baby without too much tearing. This is called an episiotomy.
Chris watches the digital simulation of the incisions with horror.
Chris: Oh my…
Chris proceeds to pass out.
Sister Mary Catherine begins to pray over him.
A few minutes later…
Movie narrator: And then the anus will dilate to 10 centimeters and the baby will be expelled…
Justin’s eyes open very wide as he looks at the digital simulation on the screen.
Justin: Oh my…
Justin proceeds to pass out.
Wade: Hey, I lost my pregnant person!
Instructor: Did he pass out?
Wade: I’m thinking yes.
Instructor: Well wake him up.
Wade (starts shaking Justin): JUSTIN, GET YOUR LAZY, WEAK, WUSS-BOY ASS UP OR YOU’LL LIVE TO REGRET IT!
JC (pointing at the screen): Oh my God! I can’t do that! My body can’t open up that wide. Look at me, I’m a beanpole!
Sister: JC! Don’t take the Lord’s name in vain.
Lance: Actually JC, you were a beanpole. Now you’re a fat whale.
JC starts bawling.
Joey: Lance! Why did you say that?
Lance: Because it’s true?
JC: Joey, am I fat?
Joey: No JC. You’re radiant with the glow of fatherhood. You’re not fat; you’re beautiful.
JC (sniffling): Really?
Joey: Yes. In fact if I were gay, I’d do you right now.
JC (beaming): Oh Joey, you’re the best!
Lance (under his breath): Best liar…
Joey: Lance, you be quiet!
Lance: Come and make me Fatone!
Joey: Don’t push me boy!
Mandi: Lance, calm down! Stress isn’t good for the baby!
Lance struggles to get up in order to kick Joey’s ass. Mandi turns to Wade in desperation.
Mandi: Wade, help!
Wade: ALL RIGHT, THAT’S IT! EVERYBODY SHUT THE HELL UP AND PAY ATTENTION TO THE MOVIE BEFORE I’M FORCED TO CRACK SOME SKULLS!
Everyone quiets down just in time to see the placenta get expelled from the birth canal.
Movie narrator: After this there may be some additional tearing, which the doctor will then sew up…
Lance and JC: Oh my…
Lance and JC proceed to pass out.
Joey, Wade and the two moms-to-be take a look at the four pregnant boy band members – all blissfully unconscious.
Joey: This is going to be one hell of an interesting birth, I’ll tell you that.
Sister: Joseph!
Joey: Sorry Sister. Hey, anyone up for some beers tonight?
Wade: Count me in!
Mandi: Oh yeah! I can try out my fake id!
Joey: Sister?
Sister: Well…what the hell. One beer can’t hurt.