Nine Months of Trouble (Part 4)
Approximately three months later at the NSYNC compound. The guys are all showing now. The urge to go to the bathroom and vomit has been replaced by the urge to go to the bathroom and pee.
Chris, Lance and Joey are all sitting around talking.
Chris: Will you look at how swollen my ankles are?
Lance: That’s nothing. Take a look at these hands. My rings don’t even fit anymore.
Chris: God, being pregnant is such a bitch.
Lance: Don’t I know it. Yesterday, I was taking a shower and BAM…my breasts start to leak.
Joey: What? Lance…you have breasts?
Lance: Yeah. So? My breasts have to grow. Father’s milk and all…
Joey: Ooh, can I see?
Lance: No!
Joey: Oh, please? I’ll pay you.
Lance: Hell no!
Joey (to Chris): Can I see yours?
Chris (shrugs): Yeah sure, what the hell.
Chris lifts up his shirt and flashes Joey. Joey falls to the ground, stunned. His mind is in turmoil. He has just seen something amazing that is beyond the laws of nature. And he was also strangely turned on by it. Apparently Chris has a really nice rack.
After a minute Joey regains his composure and sits back up. He tries really hard not to stare at Chris’ chest as he talks.
Joey: So, guys listen…I’ve been thinking…
Chris: Ooh, does it hurt?
Joey: Shut it Kirkpatrick.
Chris: Sorry.
Joey: Anyway, I’ve been thinking. You know I love you guys, right?
Chris and Lance: Yes, Joey.
Joey: And I’d do almost anything for you…
Chris and Lance: Yes, Joey.
Joey: But the fact is guys, it’s really kind of hard keeping up with four pregnant people.
Lance (panicked): What are you trying to say Joey? You’re not leaving us are you? Because we couldn’t do this without you…
Chris: Yeah Joey, what he said.
Joey: Guys, I would never leave you. All I’m saying is I think it would be a good idea if we tried to find the mothers of your babies so I could get some help dealing with you so I don’t go FREAKING CRAZY!
Lance: Oh, ok Joey. What do you think we should do?
Joey: Well, I was thinking we should call around the convents (there aren’t too many of those left) and see if we can find Chris’ woman.
Chris: Good idea Joey.
Lance: What about me?
Joey (sighs): Well, yours is going to be a little harder to find since you were being a major slut that night...
Lance: Hey!
Joey: So I think we should advertise the search on tv. Maybe have a DNA contest. The winner gets to be the official mom and gets to be in the delivery room with NSYNC.
Chris: Joey that’s brilliant. Isn’t that brilliant Lance?
Lance: Yeah sure, whatever. Bitch.
Joey smiles despite being called a bitch. He knows that he is going to get some help. He is happy. Now he feels free to stare at Chris’ chest. Suddenly all three hear crying from the other room. It’s JC and Justin…again.
Chris: We should see what’s wrong with them this time.
Chris and Lance struggle to get up from their seats while Joey tries really hard not to laugh.
Joey: You guys stay. I’ll go.
Joey enters the other room to find JC and Justin sobbing on each other’s shoulders.
Joey: What’s the matter? What’s going on? Were you guys looking in the mirror again?
JC (sobbing): I know I’m as big as a whale, you don’t have to rub it in Joey.
Joey (to himself): Open mouth, insert foot. (Out loud): JC, JC…what’s the matter? Come on, you can tell me.
JC: What’s wrong is our lives are totally messed up that’s what!
Joey (to Justin): What the hell’s he talking about?
Justin (sobbing): Our lives suck! Britney won’t talk to me and my momma is ashamed of me because I got pregnant without being married first.
Joey: Oh. Gosh, that bites.
Justin stares at him.
Joey: But…I’m sure it’ll get better?
Justin calms down immediately.
Justin: Thanks Joey.
Joey: Ok, so what’s wrong with JC?
Justin (sniffling): Well, his parents disowned him. They’re Mennonite, you know.
JC (sobbing): My parents hate me because I had pre-marital sex, and Bobbee says she’s not ready to be a mom and now she won’t talk to me, and I’m as big as a whale! I’m as big as two whales! That’s what’s wrong!
Chris and Lance come in to see what all the commotion is about. Lance sits down by JC while Chris sits by Justin.
Joey: There, there JC. It’s ok. Whales are some of God’s most majestic creatures.
JC begins to wail even louder. Lance gives Joey the look of death.
Joey: Was that the wrong thing to say?
The crying and consoling go on for a few minutes until Joey gets an idea.
Joey: Hey guys. I know what’ll make you all feel better. Let’s go clothes shopping!
Chris, Lance, JC, and Justin: Shopping?
Joey: Yeah, you guys need new clothes anyway now that you’re so fa…I mean…now that you’re starting to show.
Justin: Ok. Let’s go shopping!
Lance: I guess…
JC (tearfully): Maybe it’ll help…
An hour later, the boys walk into the FUBU Maternity Store for Men. Justin takes a look around and then covers his eyes with his hands.
Justin: NO! NO! NO!
Joey: Justin, what’s the matter?
Justin: These clothes! They’re horrifying. Hideous. Did you see those patterns and…and those colors. And…oh my God! Everything in here is polyester. I can smell it. This place reeks of ugly and bad taste and…
JC pushes his way past them excitedly.
JC: Oh my God! These are the coolest clothes I’ve ever seen in my life. Oh, I can’t wait to try everything on. Joey, this is the best idea you ever had, man.
Joey and Justin stare at each other for a moment.
Justin: He’s your friend.
Joey: No, he’s your friend.
Justin: No, yours.
Joey: No…yours. You’ve known him longer.
Justin: But…aw shit.
Meanwhile, Chris and Lance are looking through the clothes, trying desperately to find anything halfway decent.
Chris: Everything is so ugly. I can’t wear this stuff in public.
Lance: As if anyone would be paying attention to you anyway.
Chris: What’d you say?
Lance: Huh? Oh nothing. Nothing.
Chris: Isn’t there somewhere else we can go? This stuff sucks.
Lance: Joey checked and this is the only upscale place that’s selling male maternity clothes right now. The only other place is Target.
Chris: I’d rather take my chances with Target.
Lance: Hey, look over there. Isn’t that Carson Daly?
Chris: Well holy shit, it is. I didn’t know he was knocked up.
Lance: Yeah. Oh, and look over there. It’s Kid Rock.
Chris: Wow, I love him. I wonder who else is here.
Lance holds up a shirt.
Lance: What do you think about this one?
Chris: I think it looks like something JC would wear.
Lance drops it like a hot potato.
Lance: Holy shit, that was a close one. Thanks man! Being pregnant’s messing with my sense of style.
Chris: Yeah, as if THAT’S the problem.
Lance: What did you say?
Chris: Oh nothing. Nothing.
Lance: Yeah, it better be nothing. Otherwise I’ll have to tell Joey about all those sips of Pepsi you’ve been sneaking at night.
Chris (shocked): You wouldn’t!
Lance: Watch me.
Chris: Damn Lance, why are you so evil?
Lance: I was always this evil, you just never noticed. Now, no more wisecracks, shorty.
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Two hours later, the boys are in the NSYNC van and are headed home. Justin, Lance and Chris all managed to find a few outfits each that weren’t completely hideous. JC on the other hand, walked out of the store with 6 bags. He plans to go back every week.
Joey: Hey you guys, it’s such a great day. Why don’t we all go and do something fun?
Chris (whining): My ankles are too swollen. I can’t walk.
Lance (whining): My back hurts too much. I gotta lie down.
Justin (whining): My head hurts. What can I take for that again? I forgot.
JC (whining): I gotta pee and I have heartburn. Plus I’m as big as two whales and I don’t want anybody to see me like this.
Joey (out loud): Ok guys, I understand. I’ll just drop you off at home and you guys can relax.
Joey (to himself): I wonder what Wade, Bobbee and Britney are doing tonight? Maybe we can all go down to that strip club again…