Nine Months of Trouble (Part 3)
At Wade’s Dance Studio…
Wade walks into his studio, trying to psyche himself up to make up some dance routines for the now pregnant members of NSYNC; except for Joey, who obviously kept his one-eyed snake in his pants. He looks around the studio and finds Joey doing stretches while Justin and Chris lay on the wooden floor. Lance and JC are nowhere to be found.
Wade: Joey?
Joey: Yes?
Wade (pointing to Chris and Justin): Why are those two on the floor and where are Lance and JC?
Joey: Well, Lance and JC are in the bathroom puking their guts out. Apparently lunch didn’t sit well with them. And these two are taking a little nap. Pregnancy makes them sleepy.
Wade (nods): Uh huh. Well then…EVERYONE GET YOUR ASS UP AND IN GEAR! WE HAVE WORK TO DO! AND THAT INCLUDES THE TWO PUKING IN THE BATHROOM! NOW! NOW! NOW!
Justin and Chris groggily stand up while JC and Lance come jogging in from the bathroom. Joey just plugs his ears until the tirade is over.
Wade: That’s better. Now, I’ve been thinking about the new routines and how we’re going to make some massive changes because you guys are knocked up.
Justin raises his hand.
Wade: What?
Justin: I prefer the term "with child".
Wade slaps his forehead with his open palm.
Wade: Ok, because you’re all now "with child". Except for you Joey. And I still don’t understand how THAT happened.
Joey: Hey, I resent that!
Wade: Anyway, we’re going to have to eliminate a lot of things from your choreography. Things like jumping, humping the stage, spins, deep bends, etc.
JC: So what does that leave us with?
Wade: Well, we still have the pelvic thrusts…
Justin: Actually Wade, I really don’t feel comfortable doing the pelvic thrusts anymore. I mean, it doesn’t seem right, fathers-to-be doing something so sexually suggestive.
Wade (in shock): Did you just say no pelvic thrusts?
JC: I really hate to say it, but I think Justin’s right. That just seems so tasteless.
Wade (still in shock): No pelvic thrusts?
Justin: How about we start with a nice, easy kick ball change?
Wade (STILL in shock): No? Pelvic? Thrusts?
Chris raises his hand.
Wade: Yeah, Chris?
Chris: Can we take a break? I’m pooped.
This snaps Wade out of his near-trance.
Wade: YOU’RE ASKING ME FOR A BREAK AFTER ONLY TWO MINUTES OF PRACTICE AND WE HAVEN’T EVEN DONE ANYTHING YET? KIRKPATRICK, DROP AND GIVE ME TWENTY!
Lance: He’s pregnant, you underage, fan-stealing tyrant! He can’t do push-ups.
Wade: YOU TOO BASS! TWENTY NOW!
JC raises his hand as Chris ignores Wade and curls up on the floor.
Wade: And what do you want?
JC: I need to go throw up now.
Wade: Go.
Lance raises his hand. He suddenly looks very green.
Wade: Lemme guess. Gotta go throw up?
Lance nods.
Wade: Go.
JC and Lance make a run for the bathroom.
Wade looks around.
Wade: What about you Justin? What are you going to whine about?
Justin breaks down in tears.
Justin: You don’t have to be so mean, Wade. I wasn’t going to say anything…
Wade (to himself): I wonder if it’s too late to go work for the Backstreet Boys. I think only two of them are pregnant…
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Later…after an hours worth of Justin being over-sensitive, Chris unable to keep his eyes open, Lance and JC throwing up, and Joey laughing at everybody…
Wade: ALL RIGHT, ALL OF YOU – GET THE HELL OUT OF MY STUDIO. NOW! WE ARE DONE FOR THE DAY! WE ARE SO DONE FOR THE DAY. IN FACT, WE’RE DONE FOR THE WEEK! FOR THE MONTH! FOR THE DURATION OF THESE STINKING PREGNANCIES! OUT! OUT! OUT!
Suddenly, Lance launches himself at Wade.
Lance: Ok, that’s it Blondie! I’ve had enough of your attitude! You’re going down!
Joey grabs him before he can get too far.
Joey: Lance, remember the baby. It’s not good to get in fistfights when you’re pregnant.
Lance: How the hell do you know?
Joey: I’m pretty sure I read that somewhere.
Lance. Fine! Fine! But just so you know Wade, as soon as I have this baby I’m going to kick your ass!
Wade: You and what army, peroxide boy?
Lance tries to launch himself at Wade again. Joey grabs him and drags him out of the studio kicking and screaming.
The rest of the boys have no choice but to follow Lance and Joey out of the studio.
Justin (crying): Wade is so mean!
JC: Forget about Wade. We have more important things to worry about. Like, have you guys ever heard of anyone dying from morning sickness?
Chris: No, but it’s been proven that people have died from lack of caffeine. Isn’t that right JOEY?
Joey (still struggling with Lance, whispers): I gotta get away from these psycho pregnant people. I wonder what Britney and Bobbee are doing later tonight?
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Three days later, at the doctor’s office…
The boys are all sitting on exam tables in their pink paper gowns; except for Joey, who is very comfortable in his jeans and t-shirt and is filming everything with his camera.
The doctor walks in, looking tired but very amused.
Doctor: Well, if it isn’t the NSYNC boys! Nice to see you again!
Justin, JC, Lance and Chris grumble.
Joey: Hi doc! Smile for the camera!
The doctor poses and waves.
Doctor: So, how are the pregnancies going?
Justin, JC, Lance and Chris grumble.
Doctor turns to Joey.
Doctor: Joey?
Joey (points to Justin): This one cries at the drop of a hat. (Points to Lance): This one has turned sarcastic and mean.
Lance: Bitch.
Joey (points to JC): This one pukes every five minutes. (Points to Chris): And this one can’t seem to keep his eyes open. Oh, and they’re all eating the most disgusting combination of foods on the planet. And when they’re not doing all that, they bitch and moan about it.
Doctor (nodding): Sounds like normal pregnancies to me. So boys, how about we listen to the babies’ heartbeats today?
Chris, Justin, JC and Lance: Oooh!
Doctor: Thought you’d like that.
The doctor walks over to Lance and rubs jelly on his stomach. The she places the doptone on his stomach. The sound of the baby’s heartbeat can be heard throughout the room. Lance’s face becomes blissful.
Lance: My baby…
Doctor: Yup, that’s your baby all right. Heartbeat is nice and strong.
The doctor pulls away.
Doctor: Ok, who wants to be next?
Chris, JC and Justin all raise their hands. The doctor proceeds to check the heartbeats of Justin’s and Chris’ babies. The three pregnant men are crying tears of joy by the time the doctor gets to JC.
The doctor places the doptone on JC’s stomach and listens.
Doctor: Hmmm…
JC: Hmmm…what do you mean hmmm…is something wrong? IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH MY BABY?
Doctor: No, no, it’s not that. Do you hear that sound?
JC: Yeah, the heartbeat of my baby. Right?
The doctor smiles.
Doctor: No, that’s the heartbeat of both of your babies.
JC: Are…are you telling me that I’m going to have twins?
Doctor: Yes…no. Wait. I’m picking up a third heartbeat.
JC (horrified): No…
Doctor: Congratulations, JC! You are going to be the father of triplets!
JC: Oh my…
JC faints dead away. Joey keeps filming. The others are too wrapped up in their own worlds to notice.
Joey: Holy shit, triplets? Man, this footage is gonna get me some big bucks on E-bay.
Doctor: Did you get my good side?
Lance (blissfully): Isn’t being pregnant the most wonderful thing?
Chris (blissfully): I have to admit…this is wonderful. Wonderful. Right Justin?
Justin just nods and pats his tummy blissfully.
Doctor: Yeah, yeah. It’s wonderful. It’s a real slice. Just wait until you start getting the backaches and the swollen ankles and hands and the heartburn and the sciatic nerve thing and bladder infections and the stomach and leg cramps. And those are just some of the more common complaints. Don’t even get me started on all the little shit.
Chris: Wow doc, you sure know how to kill a person’s buzz.
Justin (petrified): I don’t want to go through all that. I don’t want to go through that. I changed my mind. I don’t want to be pregnant. I take it back. I don’t wanna!
Lance: Hey, why is JC unconscious?
Doctor: Well boys, I’d love to stay here and scare you some more, but I do have other patients. So, before you go, let’s do another quick pelvic exam, shall we?
While the boys groan in misery, the doctor pulls out her ice cold speculum and turns towards Joey.
Doctor: Remember Joey, the right side is my good side.