Nine Months of Trouble (Part 2)
Another fine day in the NSYNC compound…
Joey walks through the front door of the NSYNC compound while he juggles the multitude of plastic bags in his arms.
Joey: Damn cravings! Why can’t these pregnant people eat normal food?
As Joey walks further into the house, he can hear sobbing coming from the den. He rushes in to find Justin, JC, Lance and Chris watching tv and crying like babies. He puts the grocery bags on the floor and steps in front of the tv.
Joey (angry): What the heck is going on here?
Chris (sniffling): Uh oh…
Joey: Didn’t I tell you four that you are not allowed to watch sad chick movies anymore? With your hormones jumping up and down, you can’t handle it! And that means that I can’t handle it!
Lance (sniffling): But Joey…
Joey: All right, what movie is it this time? Terms of Endearment? Love Story? Beaches? What?
Justin (sniffling): We’re watching Terminator 2.
Joey: Huh? But that’s an action movie. Why the heck are you crying?
JC (sniffling): We just got to the part where the terminator drops himself into the molten lead. He just…just sacrificed himself for the good of all humanity. It’s so sad… (resumes sobbing uncontrollably).
Chris (wiping tears from his eyes): So freakin’ tragic, man. He was like a dad to that kid…Oooh hey, is that our food?
Joey (to himself): Damn mood swings, I can’t keep up. (Outloud): Yeah, yeah, it’s your food. All right, let’s see what we got here. JC, here’s your strawberries and your cream cheese.
JC: Thanks Joey.
Joey: Whatever. Lance, here’s your Vanilla Wafers and your salami.
Lance: Joey, you’re the best, man!
Joey: Whatever. Chris, here’s your pickled onions and your rainbow sherbert.
Chris: Joey, I love you man.
Joey: Whatever. And Justin, here’s your sardines and your mustard.
JC: Sardines and mustard?
Justin: Yeah, I’ve been dying for a sardine and mustard sandwich. They are sooo good. Especially if you dip them in mayonnaise.
JC turns green and stands up.
JC: Gotta go…
JC runs to the bathroom at something resembling the speed of sound. No one seems to notice.
Joey: All right, that’s everything. And let me just say that that is the last time that I go shopping so you people can satisfy your cravings. Next time go yourselves or make the women that got you into this mess go for you!
Justin (starts sobbing again): Joey yelled at us!
Lance: You’re a cruel bastard, Joseph!
Lance and Chris join in on the sobbing. JC continues throwing up in the bathroom.
Joey: I am so out of here. I’m going to have a beer with Britney.
Justin: Britney! You’ve talked to Britney?
Joey: Did I say Britney? I meant ummm…Brit…ain. Yeah…Britain. His parents are from England. Fine, patriotic people.
Justin (disappointed): Oh, ok.
Joey: She still avoiding you?
Justin (nods): Like the plague. She told me there’s no way that she could be the mother of the baby. Can you believe it? I told her she’s the only I’ve ever been with. (Breaks down into tears again.)
Joey: There, there. It’s gonna be just fine. She’s gonna come around, you’ll see.
Justin (sniffling): You mean it Joey?
Joey: Sure. If it’ll keep you quiet, why the hell not?
Justin: Thanks! I feel so much better now. God, I’m starving. I don’t think I can wait much longer to dig into these sardines.
Justin starts opening the can of sardines just as JC comes back from the bathroom. JC takes one look at the slimy little fish…
JC: Gotta go!
And rushes right back into the bathroom.
Lance (turning green): Right behind you, man.
Chris just stares at the fish hungrily.
Chris: Do you think sardines would taste good with rainbow sherbert?
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Later that night…
Joey walks quietly into the dark kitchen and opens the door to the fridge. He reaches inside and takes out a beer, some chocolate cake, and then grabs a bag of hot fries from the counter. He is happily munching and drinking away in the dark when he hears the sound of footsteps on the stairs. He freezes.
Soon, a dark figure comes into the kitchen and walks straight up to the fridge. The figure opens the door. Joey waits a few seconds and then he jumps up.
Joey: AHA!
Chris: AAAAAHHHHHH!
Joey: Aha! Caught you!
Chris: Joey!? Is that you? Oh my God, you almost gave me a heart attack!
Joey: Yeah, yeah, whatever. What are you doing down here at 3 in the morning, eh Chris?
Chris (looking guiltily at the can of Pepsi in his hand): I was…ummm…well…I was thirsty and…
Joey: And…?
Chris: And well…I was reaching for the orange juice and my hand slipped and it landed on this instead. I was gonna put it right back, I swear!
Joey (sternly): Cut the crap Christopher! I know you came down here to sneak some caffeine into your system. And against the doctor’s orders and everything. You should be ashamed of yourself. You aren’t just eating and drinking for yourself anymore you know.
Chris (desperately): Joey, I haven’t had caffeine in eight days. Eight days Joey. I’m dying. I am. I can’t stand it. I’m going through withdrawals. Look, I’m shaking and sweating…surely that can’t be good for the baby.
Joey: Chris…
Chris: Just one sip, man. Just one. Have mercy, man. Have mercy.
Joey swipes the can away from Chris and puts it back in the fridge.
Joey: NO!
Chris breaks down into tears.
Chris: You are such a bastard. I never liked you. Did I ever tell you that? And you know what? You can’t dance and you can’t sing.
Right in the middle of Chris’ hysterical pouting they hear a noise. Quickly they both hide under the table. They peer up over its edge and see that Lance is opening the fridge and pulling out a beer.
Joey and Chris jump up.
Joey: AHA!
Lance: AAAAAHHHHHHHH!
Joey: Caught you!
Lance: Oh my holy, freaking God! You scared the FUCK out of me, you fucking psycho!
Chris just laughs.
Lance: What’s so funny, elf-boy?
Chris (indignant): Hey!
Lance: What? You got something to say to me?
Joey: All right you two, enough! Lance, what are you doing down here at 3 in the morning with that beer in your hand?
Lance: I…ummm…would you believe I was sleepwalking?
Joey and Chris: No.
Lance: Ok, fine, you bastards. I came down here to drink some beer. All right? You feel better now? You bunch of alcohol Nazis.
Joey (to Chris): Is rampant hostility a side effect of pregnancy?
Chris shrugs.
Lance: Just let me have my beer, Joey.
Joey: No, it’s bad for the baby.
Lance: One little beer won’t do anything.
Joey: We’re not taking any chances; now give me that thing.
Lance: What is this "we" shit? You got a mouse in your pocket?
Joey reaches out and grabs the beer bottle. Lance is still holding on to it tightly.
Joey pulls the bottle towards him. Lance pulls it back.
Joey: Let go Lance.
Lance: Make me.
Joey and Lance play tug-of-war with the bottle until they hear footsteps. All three of them duck under the table once again.
They peer over the edge of the table to find Justin pulling out a box of extra hot chicken wings from the freezer. He’s about to put them in the microwave when Joey, Lance, and Chris all jump up.
Joey: AHA!
Justin: AAAAAAHHHHHHHH!
Joey: Caught you too! Damn, don’t any one of you have any self-control?
Justin: Joey, is that you?
Joey: Yup.
Justin: You scared me half to death. Why’d you do that? Don’t you love me anymore?
Justin suddenly begins to cry.
Chris: Now you’ve done it.
Joey: (rolls his eyes): Justin, don’t cry. It’s just that you can’t eat that stuff anymore, remember? Spicy stuff is bad for the baby.
Justin: But the baby wanted it.
Joey: And the baby told you that…how?
Justin (suddenly serene): A father knows what his baby wants Joseph.
Before Joey can smack Justin upside the head, another noise is heard.
Joey: Shh. That must be JC, he’s the only one left. Everyone hide.
All four men are now under the table ready to pounce on JC for whatever he shouldn’t be eating or drinking. Or in his case - shooting up.
They see JC open the fridge and pull out a bottled water. They all jump up in confusion, except for Lance who is obviously disappointed that they didn’t get to scare the hell out of him.
JC walks over to the wall and turns on the lights.
JC: What’s going on down here? Why are you all up?
Chris: What are you doing down here, JC?
JC: I came for some water. See?
Chris (guiltily): Well, we came for some stuff too…
JC looks at all the food laid out on the table and turns green within a matter of seconds.
JC: Gotta go…
JC runs to the bathroom, his progress impeded by his fuzzy bunny slippers. He barely makes it in time.
Joey: And on that note…everyone to bed. Pregnant people must get their rest. Lord knows you won’t be getting it when the baby arrives. I know from experience.
Lance: Oh really?
Joey: Well, at least that’s what Kelly tells me. Now, get! Go! Before I have to call your moms!
Justin: But Joey, my mom doesn’t know yet!
Joey: Then you’d better get your ass up there then.
They all grumble as they turn around and head back to their rooms.
Justin: I never knew Joey was so mean. How could one teeny-weeny chicken wing hurt?
Lance: He’s being this way cause it means more food and alcohol for him. Bastard.
Chris: Is there any caffeine in orange juice?
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Next up…NSYNC and Wade re-choreograph all their songs as the boys begin to pack on the pounds!