Nine Months of Trouble
One fine day in the NSYNC "compound"…
JC: Lance, Joey, Justin…get your asses in here!
Lance, Joey and Justin run into the den from various parts of the house to find JC and Chris staring at the tv.
Lance: What? What is it?
JC (Points to tv set): You have to watch this.
Female newscaster appears on the screen with a huge smile on her face.
Newscaster: Ladies and gentlemen, the rumors have been confirmed. Any man that had sex on the night that the strange, phallic-shaped, glowing comet flew over the earth is more than likely pregnant. Yes, you heard me right…pregnant. If you are a man (begins to giggle) and if you had sexual intercourse on May 1st (giggles some more), the government suggests that you find a gynecologist immediately and get yourself tested. Because you’re probably pregnant…
At this point the newscaster begins to laugh hysterically and falls out of her chair. The camera shows her being carried offstage by the weatherman before they cut to a commercial.
All five NSYNC men look at each other with fear in their eyes. They begin to rack their brains for memories of what they were doing on May 1st.
Suddenly, Justin starts sobbing.
Lance (shocked): Justin, you? How can that be? I thought you were a virgin.
Justin (through the tears): I was. I was. But then Britney started pressuring me. She said that if I really loved her that I would do it. I…I didn’t think I had a choice.
Chris: Bummer, man.
Justin: She told me you can’t get pregnant the first time!
Justin buries his head in his hands and continues to cry like there’s no tomorrow. Joey turns to JC.
Joey: What about you man?
JC: Well, let’s see. May 1st was a Tuesday, and on Tuesdays me and Bobbee get liquored up and play dress up. If I remember correctly that night she was King Kong and I was Fay Wray…
Chris: Too much information.
Joey: So, you’re saying that you’re pregnant.
JC (as realization dawns): I think I’m going to be sick. Literally.
Joey: What about you, Lance?
Justin (sniffling): Of course Lance didn’t get pregnant. He’s a virgin. Like me. Or like I was.
Lance: Justin, I’m a 22 year old man in one of the most popular bands in America today. Do you really think that I’m still a virgin?
Justin: So, you mean…that night?
Lance: Yeah, yeah…I was getting’ mah groove on.
JC: Well, so…who’s the mother?
Lance (sigh): Oh man, I’m not sure. It was kindof an orgy type thing.
Justin (shocked): Lance!
Lance shrugs.
JC: What about you Joey?
Chris: Man, why are you wasting time asking him? It’s Joey! You know he was getting some.
Joey: Guys, for your information, I was not getting any. I’m a father now. I’ve changed. I’m a different man.
Silence…then…
Justin: Oh my God! You know what I just thought of?
Chris: No, but I’ll bet you’re going to tell us.
Justin: I’m going to be an unwed father! My momma’s gonna kill me! (Begins wailing again).
Lance sits next to Justin and puts a comforting arm around his shoulders.
Lance: Aw, don’t worry about it Justin. Britney’s an old-fashioned southern girl. I’m sure she’ll do the right thing and ask you to marry her.
Justin (sniffling): Really?
Lance: Sure.
Lance then turns around and mouths "fat-chance" before turning back to Justin.
Joey: What about you Chris?
Chris: Yeah, I’m afraid so. It was kindof a one night stand. She was going to join a nunnery the next day. You know those crazy Catholics.
JC: Well that does it then. Four out of five of us are pregnant. We’re doomed. We’re screwed. Who would have ever thought that Joey would be the one that could keep his dick in his pants?
Joey: Hey! It’s not my fault you all are a bunch of cheap hoes.
Justin: Oh my God! I just thought of something else! I’m gonna get fat! I’m gonna get fat and I’m gonna…waddle! I won’t be able to thrust anymore! I won’t be able to swivel! I won’t be able to hump the stage!
JC: Wait a minute…I hadn’t thought of that. That means that…that…I’ll get fat too!
JC then proceeds to faint dead away.
Joey (whispers to Chris): So, now what?
Chris: I think we’d better find a gynecologist and quick.
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Later, at a gynecologist’s office…
Joey: Wow, this place is sure packed.
All five guys look around the waiting room. Distraught-looking men are everywhere. Next to them are their wives or girlfriends who are all either smiling or laughing. The guys wade through the crowd and go the reception desk.
JC: Excuse me…
The receptionist ignores him. She is too busy drinking a champagne toast with the other women from the office.
JC: EXCUSE ME!
The receptionist turns around and puts her glass down.
Receptionist: Hey sweetie. What can I do for you?
JC: Well, me and my friends here…we think we might be…well, you know…
Receptionist: Pregnant? Knocked up? Have a bun in the oven?
JC (blushes furiously): Yes.
Receptionist: Well, sign in and have a seat. The doctor will be with you in about four hours.
Chris: Four hours?! Why so long?
The receptionist points towards the seemingly hundreds of people in the waiting room.
Receptionist: We’re really busy right now. So is every other gynecologist in the world.
JC: This is the beginning of hell, isn’t it?
Joey: At least we’re all in it together.
Chris, JC, Lance and Justin: Shut up Joey.
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Four hours later…
The boys have just taken a urine pregnancy test and are in the doctor’s office awaiting the results. The doctor walks in the room. The doctor is a woman and is smiling widely.
Doctor (under her breath): Man, this has been the best day.
Looks at the charts in her hands.
Doctor: Well, let’s see, what do we have here? Hmmm…I have the pregnancy test results for Lance Bass, Justin Timberlake, Chris Kirkpatrick, and JC Chasez.
Chris: Yeah, that’s us. So, what’s the…ummm…verdict?
Doctor: Oh, you’re all pregnant.
Justin (bursts into tears): I knew it! Oh man!
Doctor: Yes well…I’m going to need to perform exams on all of you since these are obviously special pregnancy cases. Mr. Bass, we’ll start with you. Will everyone else please leave?
JC: No, sorry, we’re all staying.
Doctor: Huh?
Joey: See, we’re NSYNC and we do everything together. Even pelvic exams.
Doctor (shakes her head): Whatever. All right then; please take off your pants and underwear and cover yourselves with these pink paper blanket-thingies. Then lie down on an exam table and wait for me. I’ll be back in five minutes.
The boys grumble but do as they’re told. They all hop up on an exam table and lie down while Joey tries really hard not to laugh.
The doctor comes back in, rubber gloves already on.
Doctor (to Joey): You’re not pregnant, what are you here for?
Joey: Moral support. Plus I could always use a good laugh.
Doctor: Whatever. Ok now, if you’ll all just place your feet in those stirrups and scoot down until your butt is almost hanging off the edge of the table…
All the boys do as they’re told although they complain the entire time.
Justin: This is the most humiliating thing I’ve ever had to do.
Doctor: Boy, you ain’t seen nothin’ yet.
Doctor whips out evil-looking steel instrument and holds it up.
Doctor: All right. Who’s first?
JC: Wait a minute. What the hell is that thing?
The doctor tries to hide the smile on her face and fails miserably.
Doctor: This is a speculum, Mr. Chasez. It’s a medical tool.
JC: Uh huh. And just what do you think you’re going to do with that thing?
Doctor has to bite her lip to keep from giggling.
Dr.: Well, Mr. Chasez, it goes in your rectum and…
Justin: Oh my…
Justin then proceeds to faint dead away.
JC props himself up on his elbows.
JC: Oh no, there is no way that thing is going in my body. No way, no how.
Lance: JC, would you relax? She’s a doctor for heaven’s sake. If she says that something needs to be done, then it means that it needs to be done. Remember, women have been doing this for thousands of years. If they can do it, we can do it. Right Chris?
Silence.
Lance: Chris?
Everyone looks around just in time to see Chris trying to sneak out the door.
Joey: Chris, get your ass in here and be a man.
Chris: Joey, don’t even talk about my ass, ok? Yours is no danger of having a medieval looking torture device stuck up it, so just SHUT UP!
Joey (leans towards doctor): Testy. Must be the hormones.
The doctor nods.
Doctor: Get back up here, little one.
Chris does as he’s told, all the while planning his revenge against Lance for ratting him out.
Doctor: So, who’s first?
All the boys look around nervously, except for Justin who is still unconscious.
Doctor: All righty then, we’ll start with you, Mr. Chasez.
JC: Damn!!! Ok, just one question before you start…is that thing as cold as it looks?
Doctor: Oh hell yeah! Now just try to relax and breathe…
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Later…
Exams are over, Justin is conscious again, and no one can quite seem to meet the doctor’s eyes.
Doctor: Ok now boys, here’s the deal. You’re pregnant which means there are going to be some big changes in your lives. No pun intended. You will start taking pre-natal vitamins. You will do no heavy lifting or exerting. You will gain an average of one to two pounds a week…
JC and Justin: Damn!
Doctor: You will eliminate caffeine from your diet…
Chris: Damn!
Doctor: You will no longer consume alcohol or use tobacco products…
Lance: Does that include Hard Lemon?
Doctor: Yes.
Lance: Damn!
Doctor: And you will cut down your intake of salt, sugar and spicy foods.
Justin: Damn!
JC smiles.
Doctor: Oh, and no more illegal drugs.
JC: Damn!
Doctor: In short, you will cut out everything in your life that brings you pleasure and you will get incredibly fat and bloated in the process, all the while preparing for what will be the single most painful experience of your lives.
All is quiet except for the sound of Joey laughing hysterically.
Doctor: Well, I guess that’s it for now. Why don’t you go on home and berate yourselves for not using birth control. I’ll see you in two weeks. Bye now!
Chris, Justin, Lance and JC look at each other in shared misery.
Chris: We are so in hell.
Joey (stops laughing): Guys, don’t worry. I’m here for ya. I’m gonna take good care of you.
Chris, JC, Lance and Justin: Shut up Joey.