Isolde Sues NSYNC
Yes, I took them to court!
The setting: A courtroom somewhere in the deserts of Las Vegas.
The courtroom is packed with spectators, many whom are of the female persuasion and screaming hysterically.
Judge: Order! Order in the court! Alright. This next case is Isolde13 vs. the members of NSYNC. Isolde, will you as the plaintiff please come forward and explain the charges you are bringing against the members of this boy band?
JC: We’re not a boy band, Your Honor.
Judge: What?
JC: Well, technically we’re not boys any longer and we’re not really a band. We prefer the term vocal group.
Judge (rolls her eyes): Ok, whatever, skinny boy…Isolde, tell us the charges against the members of this vocal group.
Isolde: My pleasure. Frankly Your Honor, these guys are getting on my nerves. I mean I love them dearly…I do. Blows kisses to Lance who cringes. But lately they have been exhibiting some behavior that is just plain wrong. Wrong I say! And I’m not just bringing these charges for myself Your Honor, I’m doing it for the good of all NSYNC fans everywhere. I spend half my day on NSYNC humor sites; I know what the people of America are thinking.
Judge: Well, that’s a nice, constructive way to spend your time.
Isolde: Thanks.
Judge: Actually before you begin, can you tell me why each of the members of this group are wearing only jeans and white wifebeaters? That’s not appropriate courtroom attire.
JC (stands up): I can answer that Your Honor. You see that pervert over there…
Judge (interrupting): Was I talking to you? No. Didn’t think so. Go on dear…
JC sits down grumbling.
Isolde: Well your Honor, not only am I the plaintiff, but I’m also the author of this fic, so I can pretty much dress them anyway I see fit. And I like them like this…
Judge: Good choice. But why are they in handcuffs? Surely they’re not dangerous?
Isolde: No, again I’m just abusing my author privileges to satisfy my own kink.
Judge: Alrighty then. Please continue…
Isolde: Ok, so yeah…the whole group has just been annoying me lately, but I’d like to take each individual member to task for their crimes against humanity.
Judge: Well, that’s a little irregular…but…what the hell! Who’s first?
Isolde: I call Mr. Justin Timberlake to the stand Your Honor.
Justin: Aw crap! I knew I was gonna be first. I just knew it!
Judge: Oh quit whining and get up here!
Justin gets up from his seat and sits down in the witness stand, which is no small feat considering he’s handcuffed.
Judge: So what are the charges?
Isolde: Well actually Your Honor, Justin has a co-conspirator in his crime. Britney Spears!
Justin: Hey, you leave my woman out of this!
Judge (peers out into the crowd): I don’t see Britney.
Isolde: Let me just use my magical author’s privileges to get her here, Your Honor.
I snap my fingers and Britney appears in the middle of the courtroom. She is dressed in pink sweats and is doing her nails.
Spectators: Ooooh!
Britney: Whoah! That was fucking cool!
Judge: Young lady, please watch your language in my courtroom.
Britney: Sorry, ma’am.
Judge: Now get on up here with Mr. Timberlake.
Britney walks up to stand beside Justin.
Britney: Hi baby.
Justin: Hi puddin’.
Isolde: Ok, enough. The charges against these two are that they are too cutesy in public. Your Honor, they are so cutesy and so lovey-dovey that people are overdosing on the sugar just from watching them. It’s unhealthy. People are falling ill. We could have a serious public health crises on our hands if this is allowed to go on.
Justin: Oh for heaven’s sake! That is the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard of in my entire life!
Britney: Yeah, that’s a load of shit!
Judge: Miss Spears, please control that little swearing problem of yours.
Britney: I don’t have a fucking swearing problem.
Isolde: Your Honor, I can prove these charges. This here (holds out a picture) is Exhibit A. It’s a picture of Justin and Britney sitting together at the VMA’s. This is the start of the whole horrible fiasco now known to the world as JB.
Judge: Go on.
Isolde: Here I have Exhibit B – Justin and Britney at NSYNC’s final concert in San Diego. Exhibit C – Justin and Britney at the People’s Choice Awards. And the most damning evidence of all, Your Honor. I give you Exhibit D – Justin and Britney at the AMA’s in matching baby blue denim outfits.
Turns the picture around so that the entire courtroom can see. Chaos erupts immediately. Spectators begin to turn green, some begin to scream, some faint, and many have to run out of the courtroom to find the nearest bathroom.
Isolde (turning back towards the Judge): See what I mean Your Honor? Your Honor? Hello?
The Judge is now turning green herself and trying to control her own nausea. After a minute and a few deep breaths, she no longer feels like she’s gonna hurl.
Judge: Yes, I see exactly what you mean Isolde. That is one of the most sickening displays I have ever witnessed! I find the defendants guilty as charged!
Justin: Your Honor, that is so unfair!
Britney: Yeah, that’s just bullshit!
Judge (ignoring them): I sentence you to be apart for three months; starting now. And after those three months are up, you will be on a probationary period of one year where you will only be allowed to see each other once a week. AND you can never again wear matching outfits in public. Do so and you will thrown in jail at once. Bailiff, take them away. NOW!
Justin (breaks down in tears): No! I can’t be away from my sugar dumpling! No! I won’t be able to survive! I love her!!!!
Britney (sobbing hysterically): I’ll call you baby! I’ll fucking call you every day! I love you baby!
They are taken away sobbing and pledging their eternal love for each other.
Judge: My, that was emotional. Well, who’s next?
Isolde: I call to the stand, Mr. Lance Bass.
Lance (under his breath): Damn.
Chris: Good luck buddy.
Lance stands up and makes his way over to the witness box, still in handcuffs, looking mighty fine in his wifebeater.
Isolde: Hi Lance.
Lance. Ummm…hi.
Isolde: Lance, you are one sexy bitch, did you know that?
Lance (looks to the Judge for help): Your Honor????
Judge: Isolde, stay focused. So, what’s the sexy little bitch done?
Isolde: Your Honor, the charge against Mr. Bass is that he has gone completely Hollywood and turned into a total player, and frankly, I don’t like it.
Judge: Is this true, Mr. Bass?
Lance: No, ma’am. I’m still the sweet little country boy that I always was. I don’t know what she’s talking about.
Isolde: Oh really? Well, Lance. Why don’t you tell the courtroom - when was the last time you unnecessarily stated that you were from Mississippi?
Lance: Um…well…I think it was just the other day. Ummm…in that one interview…You remember, don’t you JC?
JC: Sorry man, you’re on your own.
Isolde: Yup, that’s what I thought.
Lance: Well, ok, maybe I don’t say that anymore. But that doesn’t mean that I’ve gone Hollywood!
Isolde: Well, then how do explain all these parties you’ve been throwing for the rich and powerful?
Lance (looks around nervously): Ummm…
Isolde: And how do you explain your new movie role?
Lance: Ummm…
Isolde: And how do explain your new film production company? And buying the nightclub? And the Krispy Cremes? Huh? Huh?
Lance: Alright! Alright! So maybe I have gone a little Hollywood and maybe I do schmooze a little, but what’s the big deal? It doesn’t hurt anybody. Where’s the crime?
Judge: The sexy bitch has a point there, Isolde. What’s the big deal?
Isolde: Your Honor, what is this country coming to if one of its most admired innocents goes all Hollywood and skanky? The youth of America look up to this man. If this is allowed to continue, boys and girls all over the country will throw their ideals out the window just to be like Mr. Bass. The entire moral state of the country will be plunged into depravity! There will be war, famine, plagues…
Judge (rubs forehead): Ok, ok. I get the picture. The future of America is at stake. Well, Mr. Bass, in order to save the country I’m going to have to find you guilty.
Lance (indignantly): Your Honor, this is absurd!
Judge (ignores him): I sentence you to 6 months without access to your cell phone or computer. You will also not be allowed to come within 25 feet of any Hollywood power players.
Lance: No! You can’t do this to me! I can’t live without my phone…my pc…God, not even my laptop?
Judge: Nope.
Lance: Noooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!
Judge: Bailiff, take him away now. He’s hurting my ears.
Lance is dragged out of the courtroom, sobbing hysterically.
Judge: Wow, these NSYNC boys are sure emotional! So, who’s next?
Isolde: I call Mr. JC Cha-sez to the stand.
JC (stands up): That’s Shu-zay, Your Honor.
Isolde: No, it’s not! Now, get your Hispanic ass up here.
JC: Fine! Fine! (mumbles under breath) I’m French. I know I’m French. That’s what mom and dad always told me.
JC makes his way to the witness stand and sits down.
Judge: So, what’s the problem here?
Isolde: Your Honor, the charge against this defendant is – looking bad.
Judge: I really don’t think that’s a crime.
Isolde: Oh but it is Your Honor. Especially if you consider that this was once a very attractive man sitting next to you.
Judge (laughs): That’s a good one, Isolde.
Isolde: No, really. Let’s begin with his hair. The "sticking straight up in every which way" look and the highlights does not suit him Your Honor, but he does not seem to understand this.
Judge: Now, now. It’s not the poor boy’s fault that he got his finger stuck in a light socket.
JC: I did not get my finger stuck in a light socket!
Judge (horrified): You mean you did this to your hair on purpose?
JC (smiles): Yeah, you like?
The Judge merely groans.
Isolde: Not only that Your Honor, but take a look at his clothes.
The Judge looks and then quickly turns away in shock and horror.
Isolde (nods sagely): Yes, I know. I know. I also have some pictures that I will introduce as evidence that prove that Mr. Chasez just cannot dress himself properly lately. (Holds out pictures). Exhibit A – the VMA’s. Exhibit B – The People’s Choice Awards. Exhibit C – the AMA’s. Exhibit D – announcing the Grammy nominees. The list just goes on and on Your Honor.
Judge: Well, I can certainly understand your position, but you can’t fault him. He’s disabled.
JC: What?
Judge: He’s obviously blind. Poor boy. No wonder he can’t dress himself properly. That’s probably why he’s got that strip of hair in the middle of his chin. He can’t see to shave. Poor boy.
JC: Your Honor, I’m not blind.
Judge: You’re not?
JC: No!
Judge: Then…guilty as charged!!!!
Isolde: Your Honor, before you impose the sentence, let me just show you what Mr. Chasez looked like before he freaked out big time.
Pulls out a picture where JC is actually wearing decent clothes that match and his hair is his natural color and styled normally.
Spectators: Oooooh!
Isolde: Just remember, Your Honor. He frightens children…
Judge: Well this is truly disturbing. I sentence you to a year of not being able to wear pleather, animal prints or fur or feathers of any kind. All of your clothes must now match! Oh and also, you must completely shave and you will not be allowed access to any sort of mousse or gel or hairspray for one year. Bailiff!
JC hears this and completely passes out from the shock and tramau. His unconscious body is hauled out of the courtroom.
Judge: Whew! This is all very draining. How many more we got left?
Isolde: Just two, Your Honor.
Judge (looks at watch): Well, get ‘em up here. If we hurry this along, I might still be able to make happy hour.
Isolde: In that case, I call Mr. Joey Fatone to the stand.
Joey rolls his eyes and gets up. He wanders over to the witness stand and sits down.
Judge: What’s the charge here?
Isolde: Well, Your Honor, I’m not exactly sure.
Judge and Joey: Huh?
Judge and Joey: Jinx!!!!
Isolde (rolls eyes): Well, see, the thing is…Joey doesn’t really do anything to piss me off or annoy me on a regular basis. I don’t like that bushy beard, but a lot fans do so…I don’t think it would be right if you made him shave it off. And I like the blond hair. I think it works.
Judge: So what are you trying to say here Isolde?
Isolde: Oh hell Your Honor, I don’t know! The man confuses me. Just when I think that I don’t like him at all, he does or says something cute and then I find myself wondering. I don’t know…is that a crime? Can we hold him accountable for that?
Judge: Ah sure, why the hell not?! Guilty as charged!
Joey: Your Honor! You can’t…I didn’t…I didn’t do anything wrong!
Judge: Well, you’re obviously confusing the poor girl and probably countless other fans as well. That’s just not nice, Mr. Fatone. I think you need to pick an image and stick to it. I find you guilty of…hmmm…causing mental anguish.
Joey: So what’s the sentence?
Judge: I sentence you to remain abstinent for 6 months. Maybe the lack of sex will allow you to focus and you can finally stop confusing Isolde. Bailiff!
Joey (breaks down completely): No!!!!! No sex!!!!!???? You can’t mean it! You can’t! I’ll die! This is murder! Murder I tell you!
Joey is dragged out of the courtroom, still screaming about murder and cruel and unusual punishment. Several of the spectators, all women, begin sobbing hysterically and moaning about "no Fatone love."
Judge: Good Lord, I need a stiff drink after all this! Who’s next Isolde?
Isolde: I saved the best for last, Your Honor. I call Mr. Chris Kirkpatrick to the stand.
Chris stands up but hesitates.
Judge: Well come on boy. Get your ass up here! We ain’t got all day!
Chris sighs and walks to the witness stand. He sits down.
Judge: So, what did the little one do?
Isolde: This one has committed the greatest crime of all, Your Honor. He has not given me hot monkey sex.
Judge: Is this true?
Chris: Well, yes but…I don’t even know this woman, Your Honor.
Isolde: Your Honor, words cannot express how I feel about this man. He has grown on me so much in the past few months. I used to think he was a troll…
Chris (indignantly): Hey!
Isolde: But now I just think he’s the cutest little thing! We would be so good together, Your Honor. We’re both the same age. Well…almost. We both like Halloween. Ummm…there’s other stuff, I just can’t think of it right now.
Judge (turns towards Chris): Why haven’t you given this woman hot monkey sex?
Chris: Your Honor, I had a girlfriend!
Isolde: Had.
Judge: So you’re a free man?
Chris: Yes, but…
Judge: Isolde, I like you. I like you a lot. Now, I’m gonna be honest with you. I think it’s almost out of the range of the law to sentence someone to have hot monkey sex with someone else.
Chris sighs in relief.
Judge: But, since you are the author of this here fic, and you’re a cool chick, I’m gonna do it!
Chris: Your Honor, no!
Judge: Chris I hereby find you guilty as charged. You are sentenced to have hot monkey sex with this woman.
Spectators: Oooooh!
Chris (gulps): How…how many times?
Judge: Oh, as many as it takes to satisfy her.
Isolde (brightly): Thanks, Your Honor!
Judge: No prob.
Isolde: Can I make one teensy request though?
Judge: What is it?
Isolde: Can you make him take out the dreds? He doesn’t look as good with them.
Judge: Sure, what the fuck! Bailiff! Take him away and get a nice hotel room or something for these two.
The bailiff begins to drag a kicking and screaming Chris out of the courtroom.
Isolde (to Chris): Hey baby! Just so you know…I’m the one that wrote Insane.
Chris’ high-pitched scream of terror can be heard for miles. The spectators are all forced to cover their ears. The bailiff unfortunately, is rendered deaf.
Judge: That was pretty fun. Hey, what do you say you and I go down to the bar and drink some shots? Happy hour, you know.
Isolde: I know, but I’ve got Chris and hot monkey sex waiting for me.
Judge: Aw come on, he’ll still be there. I’m buying…
Isolde: Watermelon shots?
Judge: Whatever floats your boat.
Isolde: Well, I could use a drink after all this legal stuff.
Judge: Come on, let’s go!
Isolde: So Judge…what do you think about me being a lawyer full time? I could go after the Backstreet Boys next.
Judge: I say…this could be the start of a beautiful friendship.