How Lance Turned Hella Fine (or) The Devil Went Down to Mississippi
Ok, as you all may or may not know, my favorite NSYNC man is Lance, followed by JC (the man is fine!), then Justin (lord have mercy, that should be illegal! but seems to be a bit arrogant for my taste), then Chris (bless his little heart, he's really growing on me), then Joey (who does nothing for me at all, the poor lamb).
But I digress. Back to Lance. Since I only started paying attention to NSYNC about two months ago all I knew of Lance was the sweet little hottie with the spikey hair and the pale green eyes that we know today. As my obsession grew, however, I began to surf NSYNC websites looking for info, pictures, whatever I could get my hands on. That's when I started coming across old pictures of Lance...and let me tell you, boy was I shocked and appalled! The old Lance is sooooo much different than the new Lance. The old Lance looked like a girl for heaven's sake and a not too pretty one at that. I mean old Lance and new Lance look so different that I began to wonder if they were even the same person.
Well, let me tell you, my sick and twisted mind glommed onto that idea but quick. So late at night, I began to devise theories that would explain this incredible change. Here are my top five.
1. He underwent massive plastic surgery, including, but not limited to, bicep implants and removal of baby fat.
2. He made a deal with the devil.
3. He went into a huge cocoon and underwent metamorphosis, emerging as the babe we all know and love today.
4. It's not the same person at all. The first Lance was actually his sister Stacy, who got tired of the group and pretending she was a boy, and moved on.
5. It's not the same person at all (part two). He was kidnapped by aliens and replaced by a fine looking man on the outside. On the inside he's an eight tentacled creature from Narnak.
Well, after studying all these theories, I decided that number two is the one that explains everything the best. Lance made a deal with Satan. Duh! And here's how I think it went down.
See, the devil went down to Georgia, he was looking for a soul to steal, he was in a bind, he was... oh wait! That's the Charlie Daniels song! Ooops, sorry.
See, the devil went down to Mississippi and was looking around hoping to find someone that he could con out of their soul. He came across this pretty little blond girl who was sitting in the sun doing her nails.
"Why hello there fine young miss," said the devil. The devil's a player, methinks.
"Are you talking to me?" the pretty little girl answered with a deep bass voice.
The devil was taken aback. "Are you a man?"
"Of course I'm a man!" replied the girl in question as "she" threw down the nail file.
"Oh, sorry. I didn't know there were any transvestites in Mississippi. I thought everyone here was a redneck."
"I am not a transvestite either! For heaven's sakes, I'm a man! See, a man!" the man with the pretty nails hollered as he stood up.
At this point the devil was actually pretty frightened and he was about to walk away when he noticed the man had sat back down and was crying. Being the devil and knowing that whenever there are tears being shed, there is a possible soul for the taking; the devil sat down next to the young man. Putting on his most sympathetic face he asked, "What's your name son?"
"My name is Lance. Lance Bass and I'm from Mississippi," said the boy as he sniffled.
"Well, good for you Lance Bass. Mississippi is a...um...a wonderful state. So, tell Ol' Lucifer why you're so sad."
Lance looked at him suspiciously then sighed and thought, 'Why not? No one else listens to me.'
"Well, see I'm part of this boy-band called NSYNC and all the other guys are like these heartthrobs and they get all these girls and stuff and I get nothing! All the fans make fun of me, even the guys make fun of me. They say that I look like a girl and call me a gay albino and tell me that I can't dance. It just goes on and on. I mean I can't help it if I'm pretty and I have flawless skin."
The devil smiled and rubbed his hands together. Jackpot! "Listen Lance, I can change all that for you."
"You can? How?" Lance asked.
"You're going to have to trust me. And it will take a little while to do it, but you'll love the results!"
Lance was so excited he began to jump up and down. "Well, let's do it!" he shouted.
The devil raised up a clawed hand. "Not so fast there, Tinkerbell. Before we do anything, I require your soul in eternal servitude as my payment."
Lance looked at the devil and gasped. For the first time he noticed the cloven hoofs, the red skin tone and the fire spouting from the man's mouth everytime he talked.
"Hey!" he yelled indignantly. "You're the devil! You're like a bad and evil guy. Well, I just don't think I can make a deal with you, after all I am a good law-abiding man of God. Plus, my parents would beat the crap out of me."
"Listen, Mary Poppins. If you don't take the deal you'll forever be mocked and called a girl or a gay albino and be told that you can't dance. Well, actually you'll always be told that you can't dance. Sorry, I can't fix that. But let me tell you, NSYNC is gonna be huge in five years and if you take the deal you'll have your share of women swooning all over you. I can even take you to second favorite in the band!"
Lance's eyes bulged open. "Will I be more popular than Justin?" he asked.
The devil laughed so hard he almost choked on his own fire. "Whoo boy, that was a good one. Not even God himself can make that happen. But! you will be tied with JC!"
Lance thought about the deal for awhile. On the one hand, he was probably committing some kind of mortal sin and would pay for it with his soul and that was bad. On the other hand, he would be worshipped by millions of 8 year olds the world over and he would finally get some action from someone other than his cousins. And that was good. Verrrryyyy good. Lance stuck out his well-manicured hand and said, "Satan, you got yourself a deal!"
The devil took Lance's hand and shook it. Then he laughed an evil Satan-like laugh and disappeared in a cloud of smoke.
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And there you have it folks. Five years later, Lance's popularity is still rising. The rest of the boys can't make fun of him anymore and it's killing them.
Justin has an ulcer from worrying that one day Lance will overtake him as the hottest guy in the group. He spends his days looking in the mirror and reassuring himself that yes, "God did spend a little more time on him" and popping Rolaids.
JC, now having to share the glory of being the second favorite member with Lance, has turned into a crack addict and spends all his time making Bobbi answer the question "Who's your daddy?".
Chris has shifted his focus of mean, cruel jokes from Lance to Joey since there's really nothing left to make fun of. Well, maybe the dancing. He spends all his time in front of Danielle making her listen to his comedy routine and begging for applause.
Joey really hasn't changed at all. He's as hungry and horny as he ever was and really couldn't care less about Lance.
And Lance himself? Well, look at him! He's one happy little bastard who gets more booty than he knows what to do with. He's lovin' life!
So, there you have it. The truth behind Lance's incredible transformation from Ellen look-alike to "Hell yeah baby! You can back that thang up right here! Mmmm...hmmm...(pant, pant)".