2000 Billboard Music Awards
Ok, this is a little late, but…better late than never, right? So the following is my review of the Billboard Music Awards, concentrating of course on the post-fab five…NSYNC. As usual, I’m going to assume that you guys have seen this and I’ll just review the highlights; otherwise I’ll be writing the great American novel here.
Let me just start off by saying how totally annoyed I am by the fact that these guys are always in my town (Las Vegas) and I never run into them. Damn! Where’s the justice in that? It’s a cruel world folks and don’t let anyone tell ya different.
Anyway, so yeah, the awards…NSYNC opened the show with "Just Got Paid" and it was very…interesting. The pimp outfits were…interesting. Very colorful. Was it just me or did anyone else get a craving for Skittles during that portion of the show? Anyway, the song itself does nothing for me at all, but the choreography was fun and the fake car was cute. And wait…was that Lance and Joey checking out that cardboard girl’s ass? Joey I can see, but Lance!? Oh Lance, what ever happened to that sweet naïve boy from Mississippi? Ah, who am I kidding? I like naughty Lance better. Love the part where they all bust a move. Even Lance. Go boy! The fight and dance scene was fun, but really, does anyone else but me need to be freaking with those boys on stage? No, didn’t think so. Ok, then what happened? Oh, the boys danced some more and Justin beat-boxed (I think that’s his new calling in life), and I actually heard Chris sing. I’m pretty sure that hearing Chris was a mistake on somebody’s part. I think there’s actually a law that his voice can only be heard on "Oh Holy Night".
Ok, now on to the random highlights, basically in order for your reading pleasure.
First of all, bravo to whoever picked Kathy Griffin to host. I love her. She makes me laugh just by opening her mouth. I loved her comment on drilling her way out of the block of ice with her nipples. At this point in the show I’m LMAO already, then she busts out with…"Britney knows what I’m talking about." So now I’m ROTFLMAO. Love her! Oh, and I have to give Britney credit for laughing at the joke. I don’t know if I would have done it myself.
Toni Braxton and Oscar DeLaHoya presenting – Move over Toni! You’re blocking Oscar! Damn it! Ok, Oscar, what were you saying? Oh and hey Oscar, what are you doing at a music awards show anyway? Oh, you’re a singer now? Ok, sure. Whatever.
The first presentation with both Kathy and NSYNC was cute. I like the whole "someone’s going to marry Kathy" thing. But you know what really grabbed my attention and held it at this part? The fact that Justin is so damned tall. Jeez, that boy is huge. Wonder what he eats to look like that? No wait, it must be all that cereal. Never mind.
Destiny’s Child – Love them! Really, they just seem like nice young girls and they deserve everything they have. Bonus points for actually being able to sing. Their performance was very good. I would have thoroughly enjoyed it if I hadn’t been so worried that they’d twist an ankle on those heels.
Christina Aguilera and somebody presenting – I don’t know who the somebody was, sorry. I was too captivated by how bad Christina looked. I mean, the bleach blond hair and the black tips? The heavy-ass makeup? No, Christina. No! Does anybody remember how pretty she was back in the Mulan days? Yeah, well, I do. Maybe I’ll start a "Go back to your roots, Christina" campaign. Hmmm…maybe I will.
Ok, now the first BIG moment! Lance and Kathy presenting - First let me just say… damn! Lance, you are a sexy bitch! Why can’t I be Kathy Griffin? Why can’t I be Kathy Griffin? Lol. Anyway, I loved the part where she’s just hanging on him, kissing him and he has this look on his face like, "Well, what are you going to do?" That is such a classic Lance look. It was all very cute. Did I mention that Lance is a sexy bitch? Oh. My. Heck. Wait…was that Bobbee I saw in the audience during that skit? Eeeek!!!!!! Now I feel nauseous. Hold on…let me get some Pepto. * Drinks entire bottle of Pepto in one swig* Ok, better. Now, where was I? Oh yeah, Lance is a sexy bitch. Now, personally if it had been me up on that stage with him, I would have molested him a lot more…but hey, that’s just me. And because I can’t do that, I guess I’ll just have to live vicariously through Kathy.
Britney won for artist of the year – Sigh. I hate to admit it, but Britney’s growing on me. She just seems sweet and she’s kind of dorky sometimes. But a good dorky, ya know? Her and the dorky Golden Child go well together I think. Oh, and speaking of the Golden Child, it impressed me that she didn’t thank him in her speech. I don’t know why…it just did. So there…I like Britney and I’m not even going to say anything derogatory about her. Oh, except…girl, what were you wearing?? Don’t tell me you’ve started taking fashion tips from those NSYNC boys? Don’t make me come over to Louisiana and have to start dressing you!
Carnie Wilson – She looked great, didn’t she? Bravo to her for losing all that weight! Although you know, I kind of got the feeling that not a lot of people there knew who she was. WILSON PHILLIPS, PEOPLE!!!! They were big at one point!!! No pun intended.
The Dixie Chicks – I like them. I don’t like their music. Which explains why I fast-forwarded through their performance. But I did see enough of it to think that the pregnant one looked huge and ready to pop.
BIG moment #2 – Justin and Kathy presenting with a surprise visit from Britney. I liked this bit. I laughed. I cried. It was better than Cats. No, wait…that’s something else. Still though, this was entertaining and informational. I mean who knew that Justin screaming sounds just like a girl? But you know…I did walk away with some questions. First of all, why is Justin so tall? I hate to obsess about this but damn! What is he, like 8’ 2"? And why, oh why, won’t Justin shave completely? And if there really is enough of Justin for everybody, when am I going to get my share? So many questions…so few answers.
Nick and Aaron Carter – They were cute together. They really were. And when Nick broke that fortune cookie over Aaron’s head, I just kept thinking about how I used to do that to my brother all the time. I actually got misty eyed. Sniffle.
Christina! You are scaring me with that hair, girl! She reminds me of something…an animal? A skunk? No, that’s not it. I’ll have to think about it and get back to you.
NSYNC winning album of the year – Did anyone else think it was funny to see No Doubt present this to our boys? My eyes were glued to Chris to see if he would freak out over seeing Gwen. Alas, he played it cool. Bummer. I was very disappointed. I wanted to see him hump her leg or something. Anyway, on to their acceptance speech.
The Golden Child spoke first of course. "This is craaaazy man! Hi Rachel!" Again, Justin proves just how much of a dork he is on national television.
Lance! Stop cleaning the podium damn it! You’re distracting me! Course you’re still a sexy bitch, so it doesn’t really matter I guess.
JC, you are one sexy, skinny bitch. How you can be so damn thin and still be so damn hot is amazing to me. How you can wear shiny metallic suits and still look so damn hot is amazing to me. These things are like mysteries of the universe that no one will ever decipher; like who built Stonehenge.
Chris, you’re not exactly a sexy bitch, but you are so damn cute! I heart you Chris. I really do.
Joey, you were there too right?
Pop quiz – Besides "sexual chocolate" being a reference to NSYNC’s bodyguards, what else does it refer to?
Answer – The horrible band in Coming to America.
Ricky Martin. I believe he sang. I’m not sure. I was too busy staring at him. Although you know, he just doesn’t look as good to me with that new hair. Ricky, take a lesson from the almighty, fur-wearing JC and bring back the deadly spiky look. It works for you. Trust me.
Big moment #3 – Joey and Kathy presenting. Ok, this whole thing with the rash was amusing, but if you ask me it was a little too true to life. Or too true to stereotypes. One or the other. Let’s move on…
Sheryl Crow – Why do I get the feeling that Sheryl Crow was wishing for the good old days of three years ago? Before pop took over the music market? I don’t know, she just looked slightly…uncomfortable/disgusted to me. Was it just me? Did anyone see that?
BIG moment #4 – The fight. The fight between JC and Chris over Kathy’s hand in marriage. Sigh. This was a slash writer’s dream people. Two hot men wrestling around on the floor… Sigh. Ok, ok, it’s my dream. I admit it. I wore my tape out from watching this showcase of male testosterone. But come on guys, can you blame me? JC. Chris. Touching each other. Sweating. Touching. Groaning. Exerting. Is it just me or is it really hot in here? Dayum! Hold on one second…let me just immerse myself in an ice cold bath. ………………….Ok, better now. Blue with hypothermia, but at least I’m not about to hump my NSYNC board game. Ok!
The finale. Alas, I don’t remember this part. My VCR stopped recording at this point so I really don’t remember much about this. You guys know how bad my memory is. I do remember that all the guys came out with Kathy to bid us adieu. I remember that Kathy was in a wedding dress and that she married some little kid instead of NSYNC. Lil’ Bow Wow? Oh, I also remember that poor JC and Chris looked like they had just run into a mob of disgruntled BSB fans. That part was cute. I laughed. I cried. It was better than Cats. Oh, no wait. There I go drifting again. Anyway, overall it was a good show. Entertaining. Funny. NSYNC looked good.
Rating – I’m going to give this one an 8. It probably would have scored higher, but they showed Bobbee.
I KNOW!!!!!! Christina looked like Cruella Deville! Yes, that was it! See, I told you I’d think of it.