Isolde Rings Up the Golden Child
I felt like talking to Justin…so I called his fine ass up.
Ring…
Justin: Hello?
Me: Hi, can I please speak to the Golden Child, aka, the center of the known universe?
Justin: Huh?
Me: Justin. I want to talk to Justin Timberlake.
Justin: Well, you got him. Although I don’t know about the "center of the known universe" thing…
Me: Oh stop with the modesty! It doesn’t suit you baby.
Justin: All right fine, this is the center. Who is this?
Me: It’s Isolde!
Justin: Who?
Me: Isolde. JC’s fiance.
Justin: Ummmm…
Me: Surely he’s mentioned me by now.
Justin: Well, he did say something about this psycho woman who’s been stalking him…
Me: That’s me! That’s his little pet name for me.
Justin: I just have no idea what to say to that.
Me: That’s ok, I’m used to doing most of the talking.
Justin: Ok then.
Me: So Justin, the reason I called is because I heard about your horrible breakup with that bleach blonde floosie.
Justin starts to cry.
Me: Oh baby! No! Don’t cry! I’m sorry…
Justin (talking through the tears): It’s just that…it’s still so painful…she was my everything…my Pinky…
Me: And that’s why you decided to deal with your pain by getting smashed and freaking with hot women in dance clubs?
Justin (sniffling): It seemed like the thing to do at the time.
Me: I see…
Justin starts to sob again.
Justin: But it didn’t work! I still miss her so much…
Me: There, there baby. She wasn’t good enough for you. You have to know that.
Justin (sniffs): Really?
Me: Oh yeah. Not even close.
Justin: My mom used to say that too…
Me: Anyway, I know someone who would be just perfect for you.
Justin: I’m not into way older women, lady.
Me: Not me, for crying out loud! Didn’t I already tell you that JC and are lovemates for eternity? Jeez! You’re not very big in the brains department are you, sweetie?
Justin: Are you calling me dumb?!
Me: Justin, focus. Stay with me. No, I’m talking about my daughter.
Justin: I’m not into that underage thing either, lady.
Me: Oh come on, she’s 15! She’s an old lady!
Justin: Fifteen’s old now? And how old where you when you had her? Ten?
Me: All right, first of all - she’s my cyber-daughter. And second of all – how old were you when you started getting action?
Justin: I see your point…ok, fine - tell me about her.
Me: Well, she’s smart and funny and talented and really kind…
Justin: Is she anything like you? You know…in the weird perversions department? Because JC’s told me some stuff and I’m a little scared of you.
Me: JC does talk about me! I knew it! Ahem…but no, not really. She’s much more normal.
Justin: She sounds ok so far.
Me: Her name’s Chrissy and I honestly think she’s the best one to help you get over that peroxide hootchie momma.
Justin starts to cry again.
Me: Oh shit.
Justin: I don’t know Isolde. I don’t know if I’m ready. The peroxide floosie broke my heart. She really did. She ruined me for other women.
Me: Baby…Dear sweet boy who I wouldn’t mind tying up and fondling…
Justin: Excuse me?
Me: Justin. This girl is going to be the next love of your life. She’s gonna treat you like you deserve to be treated.
Justin (sniffling): Like the center of the known universe?
Me: Exactly!
Justin: Well…ok why not? What can it hurt, right?
Me: That’s my boy! Oh I can’t wait to set you guys up! I’m going to go call her right now!
Justin: Can I go back to my yoga now?
Me: Is that how you stay so limber?
Justin: Can I go?
Me: Yeah fine. I’ll call you later and tell you when and where to pick her up and what to wear and all that good stuff.
Justin: Is it too late for me to back out?
Me: Yes.
Justin: K.
Me: Oh and Justin?
Justin: What?
Me: I find out that you’re not making my cyber-daughter happy and I’ll kick your ass from here to next Tuesday.
Justin: Sure Isolde. Whatever you say.
Me: And Justin?
Justin: What now?
Me: Call me mom.