Isolde Rings Up the Elf
Oh yeah. You all know what this is about. So you know that I HAD to call him. I had to. That crazy elf. What the fuck does he think he’s doing?!
Ring…
Chris: Hello?
Me: Chris, its Isolde.
Chris: Oh hell no!
Chris hangs up.
Me (to myself): Why that little weasel!
I dial the number again and wait patiently.
Chris: Hello?
Me: It’s me you little weasel. Now don’t hang up on me.
Chris: (in bad Spanish accent): Sorry, wrong number! Me no speaky de English!
Chris hangs up.
Me (to myself): That’s all right Chris. You just go right on ahead and try to avoid me. I’m a patient person.
I dial the number again.
Ring…
Ring…
Ring…
Four days later…
Ring…
Chris: All right! Fine woman! Fine! I’m here! What do you want?
Me: You have a lot of explaining to do Mister! Including why you tried to avoid talking to me.
Chris: Oh I don’t know…maybe it has something to do with the fact that you are harassing JC and scaring Justin with all your wild sexual talk. You’ve got two of my best friends scared to death.
Me: Ok first of all – JC loves me. I am the other half of his soul. So says E-crush. And secondly – Justin likes it when I talk that way. He just won’t admit it. But anyway…I’m not calling you to talk about them. I’m calling to talk about you.
Chris: Oh shit. I was afraid this day would come.
Me: Yeah that’s right this day has come, Mr. "I think I’m in a punk band so I’m gonna get a MOHAWK!"
Chris: Oh that.
Me: Yes that! What were you thinking?! I mean the beard horns weren’t the greatest, but I suffered through them because they didn’t detract from your overall beauty, but this?! This is a travesty! It’s just wrong! Wrong I tell you! What were you thinking?
Chris: I wanted a change.
Me: A change?! A change!? I’m…what…how…why…Chris, I’m speechless here.
Chris: Well in that case, let me let you go…
Me: Nope sorry. Not speechless any more. Ok where was I? Oh yeah…A CHANGE?!
Chris: What does it matter to you anyway? I thought you and JC were destined to be love-mates for all eternity. So why do you care what I look like?
Me: Because Chris. Jeez! You boybanders aren’t all that bright are you? JC may be the one I’m supposed to marry, but you’re the one that I’m going to have all the extra-marital affairs with.
Chris: Oh fuck.
Me: Exactly! Now you’re with the program!
Chris: That’s not what I meant. I meant…oh never mind.
Me: Look at it from my point of view. How am I supposed to have hot, monkey sex with you if I can’t stand to look at your head? I mean, I like your free-spirited side as much as the next gal, but this is going too far.
Chris: How about if we don’t have sex at all?
Me: Well, I guess I could turn off all the lights…
Chris: Or not have sex at all.
Me: Or I could put a bag over your head until your hair grows back.
Chris: What part of "not have sex at all" do you not understand?
Me (laughing hysterically): Chris! You are such a funny guy! Not have sex!
After laughing for five minutes, I finally sober up.
Me: Ok, no seriously…of course we’re going to have sex. I want you, so therefore I will have you.
Chris: Let me ask you this: do psychotic people know that they’re psychotic?
Me: What are you talking about? I’m not psychotic.
Chris: That answers my question.
Me: Listen Chris, it’s getting late and I’m kind of tired, seeing as I’ve been up for four days straight trying to get you to answer your damn phone…
Chris: You have to go? What a shame.
Me: Right. So listen. If I’m going to be riding you like a wild stallion, I just can’t have this funky hair business going on. That’s JC’s territory. So I want you to start growing out your hair now.
Chris: Yeah right lady.
Me: And I’m afraid you’re going to have to be punished for doing such a horrendous thing to your pretty, pretty hair.
Chris: This is the last time I ever accuse JC of exaggerating.
Me: Cause you’ve been a bad, bad boy…
Chris: Hey, weren’t you tired?
Me: …you sexy little…hmmm? Oh yeah! I’m dead tired. I gotta go now.
Chris: K.
Me: Report to my house on Tuesday. I’ll call back tomorrow with directions. Bring rope, silk ties, handcuffs, and a LOT of Vaseline. I’ll supply the rest. Oh, and of course a bag to put over your head until your hair grows back.
Chris: How about if I bring a court order that states that you have to stay 500 feet away from me at all times?
Me: Whatever floats your boat, you little kinky bastard. You been taking tips from JC?
Chris: I gotta go. I feel somewhat queasy.
Me: Ok baby. Go lie down. And…see you on Tuesday, loverboy!